“Flight Safety Is Hilarious” is a sketch opposed to the frequent topical political sketches Funny Or Die produces. The set is on a stage in Anaheim and it looks like someone took a chainsaw and cut into an airplane. There were literally wires hanging out of the plane that were bent back so people wouldn’t get scratched as they walked by them. This is one of my favorite videos I’ve worked on, it reminds me of a bit I’d see on SNL and not something that was thrown together in a few days.
Last year, I posted a list of goals for 2014. They seemed, simple, easy, attainable, like being a model. Like most things, reality isn’t always what it seems. Here’s me taking a look back at what I envisioned 2014 to be vs. how it played out.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Work out 3 times a week… but actually. Ok at least 1 time a week.
Reality: I am willing to admit I gained maybe 10 pounds this year and averaged 1 work out class a month. Close enough.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Perform stand-up, I hear you get free drinks.
Reality: I went on this really aggressive rant about boys to my Uber driver. I also started an Instagram account called “basic betch problem”.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Film sketch comedies I’ve written and post them on Schlibby.com for your viewing pleasure.
Reality: In many ways, I fulfilled this goal. Not necessarily by writing and producing my own sketches, but working on a some kick-ass Funny or Die videos. Remember Tiny Detectives and that time someone called me Molly Simms?
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Learn to sew on a sewing machine. And knit. Apparently I’m turning 65 this year.
Reality: I hemmed a pair of pants and by “hemmed a pair of pants” I mean sewed a button on a shirt.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Visit a state I’ve never been to. Lobsters in Maine? Mardi Gras in Louisiana? Definitely going to push a Hawaii vacation this year.
Reality: I adapted very well to the Hawaiian lifestyle.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Take a cooking class or two so I can learn how to make dishes that I can prepare without the help of a hologram of Martha Stewart.
Reality: I learned how to make French Macarons and proceeded to eat 100 in 3 days. Hence why the work out 1 a week thing didn’t go so well.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Start a Bling Ring. The purpose of the club isn’t to rob, it’s just to reenact the crew walking down the street with Starbucks.
Reality: I did a lot of online shopping.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Write more blog posts for Schlibby.com. And I mean write funny stories like Beverly Hills Porsche or Microsoft Exhell.
Reality: My most popular posts were “Basic Bitch’s Guide To” so I guess my audience is comprised of shallow, country fans.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Learn survival skills. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Walking Dead is that I would be the first to get bitten in a Zombie apocalypse.dishes that I can prepare without the help of a hologram of Martha Stewart.
Reality: RIP Beth (Walking Dead reference).
2014 New Year’s Resolution: When all the others fail, I’ll make up a tenth resolution.
Reality: 2014 was pretty chill.
New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to stop making promises can’t keep.
Whether it’s a pregame where some basic bitch keeps this song on repeat or the bartender is ready to file a restraining order (might have happened…) because a drunk bitch can’t stop requesting this horrendous, but amazing song, #basicbitchsongs are everywhere.
I know this song is about a drunk hook-up, but I honestly like most people a lot more when I’m wasted. I’ll hold a conversation, follow you on IG, I’m even sympathetic if you’re pouring the contents of your stomach into a trashcan. I’m just a nicer and happier person until I hit that 6th drink. Then it’s lights out.
Drink to accompany this song: anything from a plastic handle. The cheaper the better. Also, a bottle of Advil because that will be the only way to cure the worst hangover of your fucking life.
2. Patron, Tequila, Paradiso Girls featuring Lil’ John
This song is so basic I listened to it at every pregame my freshman and sophomore year of college. It’s fun. It’s carefree. It’s sloppy. Who wanna get fucked up? Dis bitch. It’s also a great learning experience for people dumb enough to think Patron isn’t tequila.
Drink to accompany this song: Patron, but since you likely can’t afford that, probably Jose Cuervo. Anything cheaper and you will regret it for the rest of your life.
3. I Wanna Go Crazy, David Guetta featuring Will.I.Am.
This song just speaks to me on another level. Where I wanna go ain’t geographical, you can’t google map it, map quest it when I go loco. Will.I.Am, I’m pretty sure you just became my spirit animal.
Drink to accompany this song: Moscow Mule, cause it’s international sounding.
I can’t even think of Ke$ha’s most basic song because all her songs are super basic. And by that I mean all her songs are worth keeping on repeat. I truly believe that “the party don’t start til I walk in”. Don’t even pretend you don’t think “hot and dan-ger-ous” as you walk into a bar (you’re at least 4 drinks in at this point).
Drink to accompany this song: Goldschlager, so you be covered in glitter on the inside and out.
5. Brand New Bitch, Anjulie
You might not have heard this song before, but it will quickly become a go to, especially if you recently ended things with a dude and you’re “turning up the beat, so sick”. whatever that means. Also, I think she’s dating Bill Maher, which is super random, but also super cool because that’s where I first heard this song.
Drink to accompany this song: shots of Jim Beam (Kentucky bourbon) because you’re going wild for the night.
6. Bass Down Low, Dev featuring The Cataracs
If you wanna get with me there’s somethings you gotta know, I like to drink fast and dance on da floor. I’m actually a little confused by this song because I have the bass turned all the way up in my car, but I think it’s a DJ thing and I like to pretend I know what all the kids are doing.
Drink to accompany this song: 40’s. You’re basically going to play Edward Scissor Hands with this song because I love the idea of a basic bitch dropping it down low and not being able to get up because they’re 40’s taped to her hands.
7. (I’ve Just Begun) Having My Fun, Britney Spears
No Basic Bitch playlist should be complete with out a multitude of Britney on it. Love her or hate her, you still love her. You may remember this song from “Bridesmaids” when Kristin Wiig gets kicked off the plane and after that little refresher you definitely do. I also love that half the title is in parenthesis cause it’s like have I just begun having my fun? That part is completely up to you.
Drink to accompany this song: Pink Panty Dropper. This is the price of channeling Britney.
8. Call Your Girlfriend, Robyn
This song is so bitchy its betchy. You’re basically admitting that you’re stealing some girl’s boyfriend and you don’t give a fuck as reasoned with “the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again”. That part might be kind of hard seeing as the love of her life just had a torrid affair and is now leaving her for some girl who doesn’t even feel the slightest bit bad. Besides my moral conflict, this song is so fun to dance to.
Drink to accompany this song: Champagne, because you’re celebrating? Whatever, champagne is always appropriate.
9. Keep It Goin’ Louder, Major Lazer
This song is fun and there was maybe a $10 production value for the music video. Trust me when I say it’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch. Actually watch Big Bad Wolf by Duck Sauce, that’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch. This song is so basic, I mean it has lyrics like “six chicks deep” which is not a sexual reference. It’s actually indicating how many girls are in the car (it’s obviously a SUV). And “if we’re rolling than it’s straight sexy” which means you look good while you’re driver… I think. Let’s ignore the lyrics and keep the music loud. Reminder: Major Lazer inspired a Beyonce song. All hail Queen B.
Drink to accompany this song: a water bottle full of Captain Morgan and half a can of Diet coke.
10. Let Me Think About It, Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand
It’s the end of the night, you’ve had your fun and played your games. That guy you’ve been dancing with all night is like “what’s your number”. Let me think about it. Then he’s all “come home with me”. Let me think about it. And in a desperate attempt to seal the deal he says, “I’m going to buy you some delicious tacos at this taco truck conveniently located outside the bar”. Marry me?
Drink to accompany this song: The promised taco. Whatever, it’s 2 AM.
11. Big, Sneaky Sound System Remix
This is such a basic bitch loving on her basic bitches song. First you start out clapping to the beat, and then you’re jumping on the couch and finally it’s 4 AM and you just pass out.
Drink to accompany this song: Gatorade or water, whatever you can stomach at this point.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @basicbetchproblem