Last year, I posted a list of goals for 2014. They seemed, simple, easy, attainable, like being a model. Like most things, reality isn’t always what it seems. Here’s me taking a look back at what I envisioned 2014 to be vs. how it played out.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Work out 3 times a week… but actually. Ok at least 1 time a week.
Reality: I am willing to admit I gained maybe 10 pounds this year and averaged 1 work out class a month. Close enough.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Perform stand-up, I hear you get free drinks.
Reality: I went on this really aggressive rant about boys to my Uber driver. I also started an Instagram account called “basic betch problem”.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Film sketch comedies I’ve written and post them on Schlibby.com for your viewing pleasure.
Reality: In many ways, I fulfilled this goal. Not necessarily by writing and producing my own sketches, but working on a some kick-ass Funny or Die videos. Remember Tiny Detectives and that time someone called me Molly Simms?
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Learn to sew on a sewing machine. And knit. Apparently I’m turning 65 this year.
Reality: I hemmed a pair of pants and by “hemmed a pair of pants” I mean sewed a button on a shirt.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Visit a state I’ve never been to. Lobsters in Maine? Mardi Gras in Louisiana? Definitely going to push a Hawaii vacation this year.
Reality: I adapted very well to the Hawaiian lifestyle.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Take a cooking class or two so I can learn how to make dishes that I can prepare without the help of a hologram of Martha Stewart.
Reality: I learned how to make French Macarons and proceeded to eat 100 in 3 days. Hence why the work out 1 a week thing didn’t go so well.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Start a Bling Ring. The purpose of the club isn’t to rob, it’s just to reenact the crew walking down the street with Starbucks.
Reality: I did a lot of online shopping.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Write more blog posts for Schlibby.com. And I mean write funny stories like Beverly Hills Porsche or Microsoft Exhell.
Reality: My most popular posts were “Basic Bitch’s Guide To” so I guess my audience is comprised of shallow, country fans.
2014 New Year’s Resolution: Learn survival skills. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Walking Dead is that I would be the first to get bitten in a Zombie apocalypse.dishes that I can prepare without the help of a hologram of Martha Stewart.
Reality: RIP Beth (Walking Dead reference).
2014 New Year’s Resolution: When all the others fail, I’ll make up a tenth resolution.
Reality: 2014 was pretty chill.
New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to stop making promises can’t keep.
Whether it’s a pregame where some basic bitch keeps this song on repeat or the bartender is ready to file a restraining order (might have happened…) because a drunk bitch can’t stop requesting this horrendous, but amazing song, #basicbitchsongs are everywhere.
I know this song is about a drunk hook-up, but I honestly like most people a lot more when I’m wasted. I’ll hold a conversation, follow you on IG, I’m even sympathetic if you’re pouring the contents of your stomach into a trashcan. I’m just a nicer and happier person until I hit that 6th drink. Then it’s lights out.
Drink to accompany this song: anything from a plastic handle. The cheaper the better. Also, a bottle of Advil because that will be the only way to cure the worst hangover of your fucking life.
2. Patron, Tequila, Paradiso Girls featuring Lil’ John
This song is so basic I listened to it at every pregame my freshman and sophomore year of college. It’s fun. It’s carefree. It’s sloppy. Who wanna get fucked up? Dis bitch. It’s also a great learning experience for people dumb enough to think Patron isn’t tequila.
Drink to accompany this song: Patron, but since you likely can’t afford that, probably Jose Cuervo. Anything cheaper and you will regret it for the rest of your life.
3. I Wanna Go Crazy, David Guetta featuring Will.I.Am.
This song just speaks to me on another level. Where I wanna go ain’t geographical, you can’t google map it, map quest it when I go loco. Will.I.Am, I’m pretty sure you just became my spirit animal.
Drink to accompany this song: Moscow Mule, cause it’s international sounding.
I can’t even think of Ke$ha’s most basic song because all her songs are super basic. And by that I mean all her songs are worth keeping on repeat. I truly believe that “the party don’t start til I walk in”. Don’t even pretend you don’t think “hot and dan-ger-ous” as you walk into a bar (you’re at least 4 drinks in at this point).
Drink to accompany this song: Goldschlager, so you be covered in glitter on the inside and out.
5. Brand New Bitch, Anjulie
You might not have heard this song before, but it will quickly become a go to, especially if you recently ended things with a dude and you’re “turning up the beat, so sick”. whatever that means. Also, I think she’s dating Bill Maher, which is super random, but also super cool because that’s where I first heard this song.
Drink to accompany this song: shots of Jim Beam (Kentucky bourbon) because you’re going wild for the night.
6. Bass Down Low, Dev featuring The Cataracs
If you wanna get with me there’s somethings you gotta know, I like to drink fast and dance on da floor. I’m actually a little confused by this song because I have the bass turned all the way up in my car, but I think it’s a DJ thing and I like to pretend I know what all the kids are doing.
Drink to accompany this song: 40’s. You’re basically going to play Edward Scissor Hands with this song because I love the idea of a basic bitch dropping it down low and not being able to get up because they’re 40’s taped to her hands.
7. (I’ve Just Begun) Having My Fun, Britney Spears
No Basic Bitch playlist should be complete with out a multitude of Britney on it. Love her or hate her, you still love her. You may remember this song from “Bridesmaids” when Kristin Wiig gets kicked off the plane and after that little refresher you definitely do. I also love that half the title is in parenthesis cause it’s like have I just begun having my fun? That part is completely up to you.
Drink to accompany this song: Pink Panty Dropper. This is the price of channeling Britney.
8. Call Your Girlfriend, Robyn
This song is so bitchy its betchy. You’re basically admitting that you’re stealing some girl’s boyfriend and you don’t give a fuck as reasoned with “the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again”. That part might be kind of hard seeing as the love of her life just had a torrid affair and is now leaving her for some girl who doesn’t even feel the slightest bit bad. Besides my moral conflict, this song is so fun to dance to.
Drink to accompany this song: Champagne, because you’re celebrating? Whatever, champagne is always appropriate.
9. Keep It Goin’ Louder, Major Lazer
This song is fun and there was maybe a $10 production value for the music video. Trust me when I say it’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch. Actually watch Big Bad Wolf by Duck Sauce, that’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch. This song is so basic, I mean it has lyrics like “six chicks deep” which is not a sexual reference. It’s actually indicating how many girls are in the car (it’s obviously a SUV). And “if we’re rolling than it’s straight sexy” which means you look good while you’re driver… I think. Let’s ignore the lyrics and keep the music loud. Reminder: Major Lazer inspired a Beyonce song. All hail Queen B.
Drink to accompany this song: a water bottle full of Captain Morgan and half a can of Diet coke.
10. Let Me Think About It, Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand
It’s the end of the night, you’ve had your fun and played your games. That guy you’ve been dancing with all night is like “what’s your number”. Let me think about it. Then he’s all “come home with me”. Let me think about it. And in a desperate attempt to seal the deal he says, “I’m going to buy you some delicious tacos at this taco truck conveniently located outside the bar”. Marry me?
Drink to accompany this song: The promised taco. Whatever, it’s 2 AM.
11. Big, Sneaky Sound System Remix
This is such a basic bitch loving on her basic bitches song. First you start out clapping to the beat, and then you’re jumping on the couch and finally it’s 4 AM and you just pass out.
Drink to accompany this song: Gatorade or water, whatever you can stomach at this point.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @basicbetchproblem
Wild for the night fuck being polite #basicbetchproblem
Jaden and Willow Smith sat down with the New York Times last week to talk about music, inspiration and being a teenager. The article itself was a little odd and unclear at times so I went ahead and had them clarify some of their answers.
WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.
I just saw that movie Interstellar and I was confused about a lot of things.
JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.
Not by choice. Those are the only free downloads in iBooks.
Q. What are some of the themes that recur in your work?
JADEN: The P.C.H. being one of them; the melancholiness of the ocean; the melancholiness of everything else.
I live in LA and like most Los Angelians, I spend a lot of time in traffic. When you write music, you write what you know, and I know when PCH goes down to one lane in Malibu, that is a tragedy.
WILLOW: And the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made.
I really like Pokemon cards.
Q. How do you write? What’s your process?
JADEN: She gets in the booth and just starts singing.
Booth, shower, a glass cage of emotion and starts singing when she thinks no one can hear her.
WILLOW: I mean, the beat is usually what moves me. Or I think of concepts. Then when I hear a beat that is, like, elaborating on that concept, I just go off.
In music the beat is essential, unless you’re singing acapella, then it just matters what your voice sounds like. I’m trying “The Taylor Swift Method”, you know writing songs based off concepts like break-ups, being yourself or how Willow is like a female version of my dad’s name.
JADEN: She freestyles and finds out what she likes. Same thing with me.
You know when you’re at a bar and some drunk girl is like “I love Salt N Pepper and I’m drunk enough that I’m convinced I’m not that drunk, so I can totally read the lyrics, but I sound horrible”. It’s like that.
WILLOW: You piece it together. You piece together those little moments of inspiration.
I have a notebook that I keep with me at all times called “Willspiration” it’s like a play on words of Willow and inspiration. The other day I wrote “truffle lobster mac n cheese”.
Q. How does fashion relate to what you do?
JADEN: Willow just dropped a song (“Cares”), let me quote the lyrics: “I do not care what people say.” We both don’t really care. I like to wear things that I make, but I throw it on as though I was throwing on anything. It looks cool, sometimes.
I’m just shamelessly plugging Willow’s new CD because that’s is supporting our family right now. Seriously, we’re broke and we need this.
WILLOW: I like to go to places with my high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras. So I can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” But in my regular life, I put on clothes that I can climb trees in.
I climb trees to hide from my parents…
Q. So what’s next?
JADEN: I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time. And when I say craziest, I mean, like, I want to do like Olympic-level things. I want to be the most durable person on the planet.
If I’m completely honest, I was really unimpressed with men’s figure skating in the Sochi Olympics and I’m looking to compete in 2018. Instead of that Irish dance guy, I’m gonna break dance on ice.
WILLOW: I think by the time we’re 30 or 20, we’re going to be climbing as many mountains as we can possibly climb.
20, 30 what’s the difference. I’m only 14 so I don’t have any real issues to worry about. Also by “climbing mountains” I mean emotionally, not physically. That seems way too difficult.
Willow’s “3″ is available now on iTunes. Jaden’s “Cool Tapes Vol. 2″ will be available beginning at 12 a.m. with the download of his new app called Jaden Experience.
Sugar. Spice. Everything Nice. These were the ingredients used to create the basic bitch. And The Power Puff Girls. #basicbetchproblem
I think my jeans say everything by saying nothing #basicbetchproblem
The Exes, a popular TV Land series that almost no one under the age of 35 has heard of, is show that requires the assistants of the CBS Red Coats. It was a fateful Wednesday, when I first worked this show and found myself pleasantly surprised. How can you be disappointed with a cast that stars Newman from Seinfeld. And remember Murray from Clueless? If you’re like me, and you didn’t know that he moved on to more serious projects like Scrubs and Robot Chicken, then you will take great pleasure in knowing his career lasted well beyond the 90’s. Murray, who goes by his birth name Donald Faison, and this wonderful cast, bring in the ideal demographic for TV Land: adorable grandparents, out-of-towners in Tevas and local crackheads. This is the True Story of a local and potentially drug-addicted woman named Dorothy*, who attended the taping on this fateful night.
*I have no idea what this woman’s real name is.
I imagine Dorothy growing up in rural West Virginia, playing in mud puddles and watching her uncles kill their dinner. Dorothy loves TV. She probably wrote a fan letter or two. Most importantly, Dorothy loves The Exes. She never told us this outright, but she returns to CBS Studio Center every week for the taping and demands free food and in my 24 years of experience, that is love.
Often a sit-com taping take well over 4 hours, which compared to other productions, isn’t so bad. The production provides the audience with dinner, usually a turkey sandwich or thinly sliced pizza, so offers more than most jobs. The audience can only take one item of food per person, as production wants all 200 audience members to have something in their belly. Since the average weight of the regularly attending audience member is on par with the Titanic, they tend to take well more than their fair share.
Every TV taping with an audience has a warm-up guy to ensure the audience feels entertained during set changes or re-writes. The warm-up guys usually crack jokes about LA having record low temperatures of 65 degrees or talks about the appeal of Disneyland without kids. This warm-up guy, his name might be Chuck, but it also might not be, chose to pass out a deck of cards (52 whole cards!) to the most enthusiastic members of the audience. At the end of the night, he would draw a card from a separate deck and whoever had the matching card won a $10 gift card to In ‘n’ Out. You would think he was passing out winning lottery tickets the way people began screaming and jumping up and down. I wondered if all those people jumping was perhaps some sort of safety hazard.
As Chuck passed out the cards, he passed by Dorothy who proceeded to call him a “dick” for no apparent reason. He responded with “crackhead”.
Dorothy did not like being referred to as a crackhead. And in her defense, I wouldn’t like to be either.
The scene that unraveled was like that scene in “Sex and the City” when the socialite fell out of a window at Carrie’s Vogue editor’s apartment, except Dorothy did not fall out of a window. Dorothy fell down the stairs as she stormed out of the taping.
Dorothy informed us in the loudest voice possible, which was also during the middle of a take, that she was “not a crackhead” and had “never been so insulted in her life”.
Someone on production ran over to see what was happening just as Dorothy declared she was suing CBS for “libel” and “slander”. You know “The Exes” isn’t on CBS, right?
Dorothy was so confident she’d win this “defamation” lawsuit that she promised to clean us dry (not sure what this means) and we would never work again, a promise she also made to herself a long time.
Dorothy stormed out of the sounds stage, unaccompanied by a CBS employee, which is a big no-no. Security stepped in and then the really intense security that can actually secure an area stepped in and banned Dorothy from ever stepping foot on CBS space again.
Chuck drew from his other deck of cards and someone else won the coveted In-n-Out gift card that Dorothy had longed for.
I know this ending seems anti-climatic in the end, but this was a taping of The Exes, not America’s Most Wanted.
So I shouldn’t try Christian Mingle? #basicbetchproblem