This Basic Bitch is Back!

Miss me?  My hiatus is unacceptable and hopefully won’t happen again.  In case you’re wondering, I’ve been busy working at Funny or Die and I took incredibly beautiful and oddly un-relaxing trip to Hawaii (I was constantly hiking so I barely had time to lie aimlessly on the sand). I also changed my Instagram handle to @basicbitchsguide so that was life changing.  Since I missed writing “The Basic Bitch’s Guide to the 4th of July”, I’ll instead recap the first 10 days of the month.

4320b4f35aff0292a8573d1dcbed9452The 4th of July weekend is over.  The hangover is beginning to subside and so many iPhone 5 chargers are missing and in my book, this is Amber Alert worthy.  Amidst my uncharged phone, there is a plethora of chargers for the iPhone 4 lying around my room. Sand is still coming out of my body like cocaine is going up Lindsay Lohan’s nose.  I can’t even fathom how I’m doing work, nevertheless working out.  To make up for the work-outs I’m skipping, I bought a ton of LuLu Lemon tops, which my bank account was really thankful for (my thighs were not).  Luckily I am here to offer some recovery tips as you piece together the holiday weekend  and try to remember what dignity was.  So here’s my advice:

1. Drink water.

2. Do this.  I don’t know what it’s called, but it feels great and my back cracks every time.  It’s yoga heroin.

yoga-twistYou are likely to have heard as much about the shark attack in Manhattan Beach as you have about Kimye’s wedding.  In case you’re a hipster, there was a shark attack down the street from me on the 5th of July.  While I respect the ambition of any person who can get into the ocean for a 2 mile swim at 9 AM the morning after the 4th, I can’t help wondering if one more vodka shot would have kept this man out of the water.  So if you are ever taking a dip and notice death himself staring you in the eye, hit him in the nose. Actually just read this, it’s given me a lot of comfort because I don’t have the inner strength of Bethany Hamilton.  I am really not the inspirational shark victim the world is looking for.

tumblr_lnau10YKVK1qdwnreAnd finally, go watch this Funny or Die video.  Why? Because I’m in it!

Happy America month!

Boehner Plans Lawsuit Against Obama

tumblr_merb0r0Qg91qe7mneWashington (SCHLIBBY.COM) – House Speaker John Boehner Wednesday told reporters that he plans to sue President Barack Obama over absolutely nothing.

“I’m in it to win it,” the Speaker said when asked about the potential lawsuit.

“You know the constitution makes it clear that I have freedom of speech so I’m just going to continue talking to anyone who will listen,” Boehner stated to a GIF of Ronald Reagan.

The Speaker denied that the lawsuit sprung from secretly racist Republicans.

“This is about me making sure I have as much attention as I can possibly get.  Someone’s got a birthday coming up and if you look back over her 235 year history, there have been very few powerful men from Ohio with this good a tan.  In the past 5 years, Obama’s natural caramel smooth skin, due to his African heritage, rivals that.

Republicans, looking to procrastinate on real issues, argue that the President is breaching his constitutional power in some way that a fancy lawyer could figure out. By ignoring crazy, old men in Congress, Obama has used executive actions as a way to bypass a deeply divided Congress.  Granted, most of the divide stems from men who believe dinosaurs didn’t exist because they aren’t in the Bible, but YOLO.   Republicans are over Obama ignoring them because they’re trying to block his legislation.  Also, can he please fix those grey hairs, I mean who is he trying to be, George Clooney?

So far, the Republican-controlled House has passed two bills aimed at curbing executive orders by the President, which is a really big deal.  Do you know how hard it is to get closeted gays in the same room as Nancy Pelosi?

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi Wednesday was like this lawsuit is “a joke and a half” and that Republicans in Congress are “lazier than Rob Kardashian” and “can someone remind them this is a paying job.”

Pelosi said the House GOP effort to challenge the Defense of Marriage Act in court wasted $2.3 million in taxpayer money, and said “here we go again” as she rolled her eyes so far back into her head, staffers had to call for help.

Obama has used his executive authority to push through a number of issues that actually help a lot of people in this country. Most recently, he directed the Department of Labor to extend family leave to same-sex couples, which was a little show-boaty. Previously, he raised the minimum wage so people making minimum wage could buy more weed.  He also halted deportations for many children in the United States illegally, which was nice because someone has to mow Boehner’s lawn.

Rank and file House Republicans have been pushing for months for top GOP leaders to file a lawsuit.  In fact, they dubbed “Wrecking Ball” as their theme song.  They claimed to be unaware of the music video.

Conservative Republicans have long complained that the President has overstepped his authority – mostly the fact that he is President.  They cited the series of changes that the Obama has made on his own to twerk tweak the implementation of Obamacare.  Sidenote: their deadbeat sons are really stoked about staying on their father’s insurance plans until 26.

Congressional Republicans, fueled by anger from their grassroots supporters of people who literally plant grass,  were really confused when the President said in January that he had a “pen and a phone” and would take action on key priorities if Congress failed to do anything.  “Dumbass,” said Vicki Hartzler (R, Missouri), “you can’t write on a phone”.

One avenue Boehner could take is to convene a Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group – something he did in 2011 when the White House told Congress this whole anti-gay thing is really getting old.

Since there is only a day and a half left before Congress heads out for recess, which is what they’ve been referring to their current term as, the lawsuit is not expected to be filed until next month.  Boehner also plans on getting “super wasted” at his annual Party in the USA and “would need a few days to recover”.

Boehner just so happened to be with the President on Tuesday, along with Vice President Joe Biden, where they took a selfie and filtered it with X-Pro II.  The mood was pretty casual, but Boehner was annoyed with Biden beat him in a chugging contest.

Obama joked: “Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Commissioner Tim Finchem jokingly said that he’s been keeping track of who laughs at the President’s golf jokes.  Boehner, due to recent botox injections, is unable to laugh.

“I caught a glimmer of approval in his eye,” remarked the President on Boehner’s reaction to his recent golf joke.

This is a parody of a recent article entitled “Boehner Plans Lawsuit against Obama Over Executive Order”.

What Kanye West Meant by “Photoshopped for 4 Days”

Kanye West thought his original comments about Annie Leibovitz were a little harsh, so he went back and clarified in this exclusive interview.

“I’ll tell you a little story about the Kiss photo that my girl put up.

In case you didn’t know, I recently became the third husband of Kim Kardashian, Duchess of Instagram.  Obviously, we did it before we got married, and that’s why we’re now married.  In case you’re one of the 6,999,984,573,075 people who don’t follow Kim on Instagram, our wedding photo just became the most liked photo on IG ever with over 2.3 million likes.  That’s a lot of likes, but it also means that over 12 million of Kim’s followers didn’t “like” it.  That’s not loyalty.  Kim deserves better.

She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out of the wedding, because I think she was scared of the idea of celebrity.

Annie Leibovitz has been around celebrities for a very long time and for some reason, taking the photo of the best rapper/ humanitarian/ Jesus love alive/ ever, and the Armenian with the least amount of body hair, intimidated her.  She’s photographed celebrities before, it should seem normal that I asked her to wear leather jogging pants, to speak only in a French accent and take wedding photos from the ceiling a la Tobey Macguire in Spiderman.

But because Annie pulled out, I was like ‘I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz’s photos’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for four days – because the flowers were off-colour and stuff like that.”

Granted, the first 3 days and 20 hours were spent showing Kim how to turn on her MacBook.  Kim also learned the photo starts with a “ph” and not “f”, after we had already spent a good 2 hours looking for Photoshop in the F Section.   After we finally figured out Photoshop, we realized it would be way easier to just use X Pro II on IG because it enhanced the flower color and was way easier than this Photoshop thing.  We also enhanced the picture using sharpen, because I’m a huge fan of it.


I’m a Father Hugger, You’re a Father Hugger- SNL Parody

Back in February, I introduced you to the wonderfully talented duo that created the perfect Valentine’s Day parody “Tits in a Bow”.  Kara Connolly and Katie Kusiciel are back with the perfect and now belated Father’s Day parody video.  Disclaimer: this video was released prior to Father’s Day, but if you follow me on Instagram, you would see that I was enjoying myself a little too much in Hawaii.  Please check out “Father Hugger” below!


The original “Mother Lover” video can be found here.


Basic Bitch’s Guide to the Stanely Cup

When I first started seeing #GKG on Facebook, I assumed it was some weird Game of Thrones reference.   I usually ignore these types of status because don’t watch Game of Thrones, I watch Gay of Thrones.  So anyway, one day I was accidentally listening to Ryan Secrest on my drive to work and he explained how he didn’t know what the hashtag stood for either.  Hopefully, not knowing what Go Kings Go meant, is the only thing I have in common Ryan Secrest.  So if you’re not an avid hockey fan like myself, here are a few facts about hockey and the Stanley Cup.

1.  Will Ferrell’s 2012 #GKG campaign is currently posted across the street from Madison Square Garden. This is so Mad Men of the Kings.  Somewhere up in TV Heaven, a Don Draper angel is smiling down on the ad exec who thought this up.  Just to clarify, Don Draper hasn’t died on Mad Men, it’s just an imaginary place I like to imagine all TV characters go.


2. Hilary Duff and her ex-husband are never, ever, ever, but possibly, getting back together. He’s a hockey player. That’s about all this has to do with the Stanley Cup.

Hilary DuffWe’re in a drought, so this seemed relevant.

3. The rest of the series will play on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If neither team has won 4 games, they series will continue into the week with game 6 on Monday and game 7 Wednesday. I’m sensing a pattern here.

we wear pink4.  Wayne Gretsky is the Michael Jordan of hockey, playing for 20 seasons and appearing in the Stanley Cup 6 times, (one of those appearances while playing for the Kings).  You’ve probably heard the quote “you miss 100% of the shots you never take” at some point in your life.  While Wayne is a hockey legend, you probably know his daughter, Paulina.  She’s Instagram famous, which means she’s a model.

paulina gretsky5.  The Stanley Cup is named after Lord Stanley of Preston, the then Governor General of Canada, and was first awarded in 1893.  They’re 3 different Stanley Cups and the one we all know today weights over 30 pounds.  The winning team is allowed to engrave 52 names onto the Cup and like most sports, winners get Stanley Cup rings.

ring housewives6. And just to clarify, the LA Kings are currently 2 games ahead of the New York Rangers in the Stanely Cup Finals.  Please don’t confuse them with the NBA finals, LeBron James vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

labronI feel like this was a pretty extensive overview for a sport I’m likely going to stop following in another week.  So until next hockey season!

hockey lol

11 Awesome Quotes from Awesome Women

1. Don’t let other’s bring you down.


2. You have a brain, use it.

915aa371a12a2239ec85230ac2dec0403. Accept that things will happen that are out of your control.

00bb1c58c1ad4d863d4deff23de8587d4. Don’t worry about your weight.

c6d6ff52527443b274e8c5b5f2f5f1935. When in doubt, wear pearls.

96424685717278252ca0c1b7fd7c2ab36. Follow Your passions.

a8574702d73ffd94c6859c45fc1395827. Have fun.

da66ef27ef41528ffc59f313784fdda68. Never give up on yourself.

050041fa9cae45d6cc97015d3b9d6a9e9. Spread love along the way.

a162cebd027bf733f2f7b0e4aa424c4010. Do what you gotta do to get the job done.

35a9d659b53b59df79e4f9a94ed1270111. At the end of the day, know you are worth it. b517e024a778c67fc8aa74f06f7bcda9Want more?
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7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

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5 Tips to Avoid Working Out

If being forced into a bathing suit over Memorial Day Weekend doesn’t scream “summer is here” then what does.  I spent most winter eating Trader Joe’s Dunkers and not working out.  If you recall, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to work out once a week.  I’ve average about once every two months.  While contemplating going to yoga or ordering a salad is tempting, it’s much easier to watch Ja’mie Private School Girl re-runs and eat Pad Thai.  It’s nicer to obsess over how hot your bod could look, and then just leave it as a thought. So since it’s summer and everyone is obsessed with looking good, here are 5 ways to avoid working out.

lunapic_137063749494862_21. Take a shower.  I’ve never wanted to workout less than when I’ve just taken a shower.  I love feeling clean and sweat is obvious a huge threat to that.

Tobias-Funke-Crying-in-Shower-Arrested-Development2. Enter a Beyonce Free zone.  Unfollow her on Instagram (I couldn’t) or avoid going on the internet.  If you can avoid Beyonce, you can avoid the self-loathing thought that creeps into your head when you hear “you have as many hours in the day as Beyonce”.  We all have the potential to work out, dress up and be just as fierce as Beyonce, but let’s just let Beyonce do Beyonce.  Plus, we all know Beyonce comes from an alternate universe where there are 100 hours in a day.

jennifer-lawrenc-beyonce-queen-of-the-world3. Eat your emotions.  Put on some Taylor Swift and rehash that high school break-up.  Watch Eat, Prey, Love, her pizza experience will inspire you to find some Domino’s.  Go on Pinterest and see what salad/ cronuts your friends are pinning and then go eat a cupcake.  Just eat.

slide_324525_3096945_free4. Check out your Netflix Insta-que.  If you haven’t started Mad Men, House of Cards or Breaking Bad, then you really need to re-evaluate your life.  Throw on your favorite LuLu’s and a t-shirt and climb into bed.  8 hours later, you won’t regret skipping that workout, but you will face a lot of inner conflict smoking a cigarette.

Screen Shot 2014-05-04 at 5.58.29 PMOk, you’ve almost successfully avoided your workout, but when you really think you should go for just a little run…

5. Drink!  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and what doesn’t take the edge off the stress of not working out like drinking.

bottle.gifBe sure to come back next week when I tell you the 9 best ways to avoid getting that perfectly tone butt!

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