11 Awesome Quotes from Awesome Women

1. Don’t let other’s bring you down.

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2. You have a brain, use it.

915aa371a12a2239ec85230ac2dec0403. Accept that things will happen that are out of your control.

00bb1c58c1ad4d863d4deff23de8587d4. Don’t worry about your weight.

c6d6ff52527443b274e8c5b5f2f5f1935. When in doubt, wear pearls.

96424685717278252ca0c1b7fd7c2ab36. Follow Your passions.

a8574702d73ffd94c6859c45fc1395827. Have fun.

da66ef27ef41528ffc59f313784fdda68. Never give up on yourself.

050041fa9cae45d6cc97015d3b9d6a9e9. Spread love along the way.

a162cebd027bf733f2f7b0e4aa424c4010. Do what you gotta do to get the job done.

35a9d659b53b59df79e4f9a94ed1270111. At the end of the day, know you are worth it. b517e024a778c67fc8aa74f06f7bcda9Want more?
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7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

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Instagram’s Best Repsonses to V. Stiviano

I’m really glad V. Stiviano decided to sabotage her boss because this Donald Sterling saga has entertained me in way that Malaysian Flight 370 hasn’t in months.  As some of you know, I went home to Washington D.C. for mother’s day and one very jet lagged night, I had this horrific epiphany.  For a fleeting moment, I felt meaningless and empty, like I was this basic bitch who was as deep as a puddle.  Like I was V. Stiviano.  It became very clear on my 6 hour flight form DC to LA that Donald Sterling was more than some rotting sack, sippin’ on some crazy juice. You can hate rap music and other cultures, that’s your prerogative, but hating on Magic Johnson?  How dare you.

If there’s one thing that freedom of speech and the internet have created, it’s nonsense.  Excessive and hilarious nonsense.  Here’s Instagram’s best response to V. Stiviano, off her very own Instagram account.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.06.18 PMIt starts off with people just throwing regular shade like “gold digger” or “tranny”, adjectives everyone uses when they describe V. Stiv.  We all have opinions and it’s very important that we share these eloquent and private details on public platforms.

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Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.17 PMAfter we brainstormed adjectives, girls were all “you’re a fugly slut”.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.07.06 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.09.03 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.09.47 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.17 PMBut then we got super aggressive with the insults we were throwing out.  I mean suuuuuper aggressive (and super creative).

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Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.28 PMAnd of course we had to bring race into this… BTW, I’m not really sure what a sucubas is, but it sounds like something I would get offended over.

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So after we established she was an ugly, but very sexually active, gold-digging tranny, with plastic surgery and who multiple races were disassociating themselves from, we decided she was unfit for motherhood and presidency.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.07.35 PMBut then we decided that offering life advice would be much more beneficial towards creating a world free from V Stiviano.

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And then people just started asking for sex, because if you’ve had sex with Donald Sterling, literally anything still breathing is a step up.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.11.17 PMBut some people weren’t into internet shaming V. Stiv, some people don’t know when to shut up.  I hope you get arthritis in your thumbs.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.12.30 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.12.41 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.13.02 PMI’m over V. Stiv, little rabbits and self proclaimed fabulous bodies.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds

In honor of Matthew McConaughey winning an Oscar, I went on a little trip down memory lane that led me to the classic How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  Watching this movie reminded me of so many girls and how often I hear “I just want a boyfriend” followed by “Oh, I only see ____ as a friend”.  As much as girls complain that they don’t have a boyfriend or can’t meet a decent guy, we sure are quick to put nice guys in the friend zone.  While in Chicago this past weekend, my friend and I found hours of entertainment in writing the most ridiculous things to guys via Tinder chat.  We started off acting super clinging, but soon found far to many guys were INTO that.  So we took it to the next level by telling guys we were professional Irish step dancers or the biggest One Direction fans and taking it as far as describing going number two.  Sadly, almost every single guy we talked to gave us his number and answered when we called him.  And they still didn’t hang up, block us or seem to think we were remotely crazy.   One conversation went as such:

“Does your mom like red or white wine?”

“Uh what?”

“For when we come over tonight for dinner.  I want to meet your mom and it would be so rude if I didn’t bring wine!”

“I can’t do dinner tonight but maybe Monday?”

Then WE hung up.

Guy after guy seemed intrigued by this crazy girl.  Maybe it is the harsh winter in Chicago or maybe its that guys really do love crazy girls.  The evidence is below, but keep an open mind, this is comedy.

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Apparently that guy was “drunk” and in college so we moved on to more interesting suspects.

IMG_4713I guess he doesn’t find potty humor funny.  NEXT!

IMG_4715Honestly, his sense of humor was terrible.

IMG_4721He did have a sense of humor but not a sense of direction.  About 5 texts later he gave us his number.  Rookie mistake.

IMG_4733If you’re wondering what it means to mix milk with coco puffs, please listen to the famous Black Eyed Peas song “My Humps”.  It will explain everything.  And yes we did call this guy and he suggested Mexican food later in the week.

IMG_4735Sadly, Hugo had never heard of Usher and sadly, that was a deal breaker. IMG_4717

IMG_4718IMG_4720Yet he still wanted to take us to dinner…

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The proof is in the pudding!

What Does Your Personalized License Plate Say About You? Part IV

By now, you are more than familiar with my series on narcissists aka people with personalized license plates (just kidding if I know you) and if you’re not here’s part one, part two and part three.  Los Angeles is know for traffic and I spend a lot of time in it. Two hours a day to be exact. You would think with multiple orange cones and slow down signs posted everywhere, people would learn how to use their brakes. So since it’s every man for himself out there, I only snagged a few license plates this month.

1. You like to publicly advertise. If you were as confused as I was about the meaning to this plate, Google it. Turns out Gal Paz is a Jewish record label in NYC. So if you need some Sephardic instrumentals to set the mood, this is your place.

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2. You think you’re a cartoon. I guess if you’re going to think you’re a cartoon and share a freeway with me, Betty Boop is a step up from Wile E Coyote. I just hope you’re not like the woman who killed her brain cells to become dumb like Barbie.

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3. You’re a sneaky mom.  At first I thought “another person in LA who thinks she’s awesome”.  As I stared at this plate, wondering what caption I could come up with, I realized they spelled awesome wrong.  Now this is quite an underwhelming epiphany until it dawned on me.  Maybe she meant awesome mom and put the two together.  I assume she added the 1 so she could be both an awesome mom and an awesome one.  You sneaky mom!

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4. You’re the Jewish Grandmother every comedian impersonates.  Every comedy/ improv/ stand up show I’ve ever been to somehow finagles an impersonation of a Jewish Grandmother.  Not their Jewish grandmother, just an old Jewish lady shvitzing up a storm and offering to make a nice meal for any lady willing to date her grandson (she’s tried to set him up like a million times).  So fo’ you puddin’, anythin’ ya want, but oh honey not that, that’s expensive!  And if you’re wondering, mine is Marge and she shvitzes like crazy.

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5. You like Gilmore Girls. Maybe this driver is Lauren Graham. Maybe this driver is a mom. Maybe she’s never heard of Gilmore Girls. We’ll never know.

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6. You might have multiple retraining orders filed against you. “Lucky you” is probably not the words I want to hear if I ever meet you. And why did you add a heart? You scare me.

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7. You’re like to one-up everyone. No it’s not enough to be a Jets fan or a huge Jets fan. You have to be number 1, better than the rest, in-your-face Jets fan. This is why I’m a fair weather fan.

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8. You went to an Florida public school.  Besides your abysmal spelling, I’m guessing you didn’t take the SAT. If you had, you would know there are much better words than Unique like individual, special, annoying, self-proclaimed, attention-seeking-via-the-DMV. You get it.

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I know I’m a few shy of my normal 15 plates, but it’s been a slow month. Since I’ve started posting, I’ve received some amazing feedback and pictures of license plates! So thank you to Ashley for this one!

9. You are polite.   It’s always nice to be asked “how u doin” by a person impersonating Matt Leblanc. I’m doin’ just fine!

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What Does Your Personzlied License Plate Say About You Part III

Maybe I’ve grown more aware, but it seems like personalized license plates are everywhere!  It could be the ever growing traffic in LA has given me more time to figure out what GVEBBY (Groovy Baby) means and how your Mini Cooper makes you feel young.  Let’s cut the small talk.

1. You’re clingy.  I get that you love me, and I appreciate you telling me, but find a hobby or something.

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2. You’re racist.  Just because it’s an American car doesn’t mean it was made by Mexicans.

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3. You’re a bragger.  Anyone who knows cars, know that a Tesla is a super expensive car and extremely environmentally friendly.   So come on Al Gore, we know you’re rich and green, do you need another medal?

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Boogie, woogie, woogie, woogie

4. You’re a surfer.  In case anyone had any reservations about your passion for the beach, you cleared it up with the whale tail background and Manhattan Beach license cover.  Why don’t you just surf everywhere?

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5. You need attention.  Thank you Ed for reminding everyone walking by this construction site that you own a beemer.  It’s nice to know you made it.  I would even describe your effort to distinguish that you’re the owner and not Juan Pablo in the corner as “refreshing”.

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He’s building a custom driveway that says “Ed’s House”

6. You’re a big guy.  That’s pretty much it.

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Maybe spell it “BIGGG” for extra emphasis.

7.  You drink a lot of wine.  Besides screaming “overbearing” you want everyone to know that you love your children.  To deal with their snarky adolescence, you’ve turned to drinking copious amounts of Malbec to reaffirm how great a mom you are.  At the end of the day, it’s better than being a sneaky mom.

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8. You’re inspired.  You’re inspired by everything and anything.  You have like a whole board dedicated to things that inspire you on Pinterest. You’re even inspired by traffic because its like people doing things at one moment.  It’s thought provoking.

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9. You aren’t over college.  College are some of the best years of your life, but if you 30 and still reminiscing on “Dollar Beer Tuesdays” then you and the person in #1 can hobby search.  In a town bitterly divided between a Bear and a soldier with a horse fetish, you can only expect such cries for attention.  I long for a day where PHOENIX or ITT grace license plates across this great nation.

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I’m surprised you didn’t include your major.

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I would really appreciate if you gave some sort of indication as to when you graduated.

10.  You’re Johnny Depp or the Sugar Hill Gang.  Tonto was an Apache Indian who went by his stage name “The Lone Ranger” and made 80’s hip-hop.

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Jump on it!

11. You’re an English teacher.  TLC, Joy, Happy are we just listing adjectives? I’m officially changing my license plate to STFU and calling it a day.

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12. You’re normal.  Usually I would say anyone describing him or herself as normal is probably crazier than Lindsay Lohan running through a field of geese.  Somehow in LA, this simple proclamation of normalcy is refreshing.  It also makes me wonder who took the license plate “NORMAL”.

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13. You never give up.  Poor Cubs fans.  Don’t they know that CUBS is an acronym for “Completely Useless By September”?  Like Red Sox fans, never give up hope, your day will come.

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I may or may not know this person…

14. You’re a dentist. Is this subliminal messaging?

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15. You’re Happy.  You’re not happy, you’re like happy, happy.  You’re like “Happy Feet” happy.

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On that note, go out into the world and be happy!

To those of you who have been sending me funny license plates you’ve seen, I’m making a special blog post just for you!  I love the support and the weird ones you’ve been finding….

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What Does your Personalized License Plate Say About You? Part II

Since my first license plate post, people have been asking, where do you find these people. Some people in LA are so eccentric, I could do a post about personalized licenses plates every month.  If you read the post about what your car says about you, then you know, people love using their automobile to make a statement.

So I think I will.

1. You’re a stage mom.  If being a mom is a business to you, your children are likely socially deprived child actors and you probably embarrass them when you ask people “didn’t you see her on Disney?”  The answer is usually “no”, but I can’t wait to watch her “transform” into an adult.

Being a mom does not make you a business owner

Being a mom does not make you a business owner

2. You’re stuck in high school.  This is it or This Zit? Either way I’m confused as to whether the end is near or you’ve embraced your teenage acne.

This ez it Michael Jackson? I'm trying really hard here

This ez it Michael Jackson? I’m trying really hard here…

3. You’ve embraced your age.  I like that about you.

You could also be Tina Fey's biggest fan

You could also be Tina Fey’s biggest fan

4. You’ve settled.  You would think this license plate would appear on the bumper of some $200,000 car (only if HOTSHOT is already taken), but it’s humbling to know a Ford owner could be so content.  Makes me want to go hug my car.

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Kanye West was the inspiration for this plate

5. You’re happy.  I imagine Natasha Bedingfield will make a comeback album and this will be the title.

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Feel the sun on your skin!

6. You’ve never seen Dateline. This white van with no windows, could be the new “kid in the candy truck” so to speak.  Since America’s youth clearly has an endless supply of candy, creepy men now lure kids with stylish clothing and Instagram followers.

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7. You’re a Republican. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions here, so let me rephrase, you’re either a nice old church lady or from Oklahoma.

Since it's LA and all, I really hope this person isn't talking about himself.

Since it’s LA and all, I really hope this person isn’t talking about himself.

8.  You still can’t figure out what the Fox says.  And like every 7-year-old in America, you won’t stop playing this song until you’ve figured it out.

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This fox says Vroom Vroom

9. You’re into dogs.  I’m guessing you’re one of the people who makes out with their dog.

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Nothing says DOGZLIF like whale imagery

10. You’re a Yogi.  This sounds like the catch phrase of the next Eastern religion fad.

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car not included with religion

11. You’re Jewish.  It’s fine, it’s LA, everyone is Jewish, why do you think they’re driving a Toyota?

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12. You’ve written a Pilot.  This sounds like a bad sit-com about 3 boys living in an apartment.  I also would like to tell the world the struggle it was to take this picture.  I was on the 105 freeway in a complete standstill.  It was 10 PM on a Friday night.  There was no construction, just a mass exodus to the airport.  I turned my lights off took the photo and turned my lights back on.  Unfortunately the flash was on so I took a weird picture of my reflection in the front window.  I made a second attempt.  It was successful.  End scene.

IMG_417613. You’re an Ahck-torh. Not just an actor, you’ve trained, you’ve been emotionally drained by a role, you’ve even been to England.

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14. You’re weak.  I can’t imagine that you’re talking about your skin.  I imagine the driver of this car to be an angry, divorced woman, who is license plate shaming her ex-husband.

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Public shaming is the new internet shaming

15. You’re a lady.  Whether you’re a lady in the streets or lady of the night, that one is up to the viewer.

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How long have you been a lady?

I am lucky to live in a city where personalized license plate, eccentric egos and a never ending supply of characters are at my disposal.

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What Your Car Says About You

Back by popular demand!  This section is a mix of license plates, bumper stickers and other weird things people do with their cars and what it says about them.  Some personal advice, if you want to make a statement, don’t do it on your car.

1. You’re philanthropic. You  want to save the world, and you’re going to do it in style.

Because nothing says Angelina Jolie like a luxury car, a 3rd world country and a heart that doesn’t involve a < and a 3

2. You’re country.  After all it’s not the size of the truck, but rather the feeling of safety that comes with knowing a small convertible could drive under your car.

This sounds like a dessert at TGI Friday's

This sounds like a dessert at TGI Friday’s

3. You never travel alone. 

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How can I look as cool as this dog?

4. Your friends have an incredible sense of humor.  They say the people you surround yourself with say a lot about your character, and I think this guy’s friends have a lot of character.

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10 bucks says he hasn’t noticed this yet

5. You’re Italian.  That or you’re a hard-core New Yorker, either way, you probably have a lot of hair.

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It’s amazing Pauly D can fit the entire cast of Jersey Shore in that car

6. You’re sexy and you know it.  If you’ve ever felt your mini-van wasn’t “sexy”, you can always vamped it up. Remember when Phil Dunphy did?

I'm guessing this isn't your average head injury Ba-Da-Boom

I’m guessing this isn’t your average head injury Ba-Da-Boom

7. You’re a P-I-M-P!  Snoop Dog would classify this as a mobile home.

That's or you're the dad from The Brady Bunch

That’s or you’re the dad from The Brady Bunch

8. You’re rich.  When I learned to drive, it was on a Ford dating back to the year I was born, not on a $50,000 Benz.

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City of Beverly Hills, do you budget Mercedes for people to learn to drive?

Let’s just stick to bumper stickers and personalized license plate covers.

Things That Exist

So maybe you don’t believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or Donald Trump’s hair, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Seeing is believing right?  Well my iPhone and I have seen a lot a crazy and by a stroke of luck and extreme stalking, have managed to capture all of that.  So you may not think believe certain events have happened or people exist, but they have.  Here’s the proof.

1. The Apocalypse.  Stop your conspiracy theories now.  We’ve been over thinking this whole Apocalypse thing for centuries!  Anyone from LA can tell you the Apocalypse is something that happens once or twice a year when it rains.

This isn't excessive

This isn’t excessive

2. Harry Potter.  He’s a wizard and apparently lived an undercover life as a student at Grosse Pointe South High School in the late 80’s.

He is currently suing JK Rowling for likeness (kidding)

He is currently suing JK Rowling for likeness (kidding)

3. Santa Claus.  I’m calling your bluff, NORTH POLE.  The real location to Santa’s factory is Main St., Santa Monica and I believe Google owns a big stake (they know if you’ve been naughty or nice based on your search history).

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He sees you when your sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. It ALL makes sense!

4. American Unemployment.  You know if the characters of Sesame Street can’t find steady work, then we’re in some deep doo-doo.  Since his days of being a child star ended, Elmo now lives a life as a struggling actor on Hollywood Blvd.

I walk a lonely road...

I walk a lonely road…

5. Patriot Acts.  This American flag made out of shoes.

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Thank you Converse store in Santa Monica

Not to be confused with this American eagle made out of Pepsi cans.

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This was taken at a Wal-Mart in Bad Axe, Michigan. Creativity at its finest people!

6. Nuns.  A day at the beach or a recruitment BBQ for future misfits named Maria.  I would also like to note that these nuns not only BYOB (burgers), they also wheeled their own grill.

How do you solve a problem like Maria? You let her frolic on the beach in a habit.

This will for sure be the cover photo for Ted Cruz’s 2016 campaign.

7. Female Celebrities that eat… exist.

Her hair is over 16 inches high and can also be used as duster.

Her hair is over 16 inches high and can also be used as duster.

8. Lindsay Lohan.  This is a scare tactic has been used to keep the people of West Hollywood from doing drugs, drinking and driving and other damaging/ embarrassing stunts.

You know what, I think she has done a really good job at failing almost everything she has done!

#shesalreadyfailed #lindsayproblems #wehoproblems #streetart #gangsta #instagram #twitter #socialmedia #celebrity #icanthinkofanymorehastagslol

9. Super Heroes. My childhood favorites are real! Mario, this gorilla and some random cartoon from the 90’s need coffee too!

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BTW this was in July

10. Evolution.  If humans and chimps share 99% of their DNA, then squirrels are quickly on their way to having the same level of intelligence as those living on Hollywood Blvd.

Oscar was pissed.

Oscar was pissed, but at least this squirrel recycles!

11. Twerking.  I thought twerking only existed in hopeless places, but I guess no- oh wait, actually, the 10 freeway is a pretty hopeless place.

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And last, but not least on the “Things That Exist” list, is a supporter of Obamacare.

Don't worry Obama, there's hope out there

Don’t worry Obama, there’s hope out there

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What Does Your Personalized License Plate Say About you?

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OK I get it Californians! You personalized your license plate.  You had 50 bucks lying around and 7 letters that you couldn’t live your life without.  You wanted me to know you graduated USC 76, as if your bumper sticker and plate frame hadn’t already sent the message.  If F2G C2J3 wasn’t cutting it for you, here are some other options and what they say about you.*

1.  You’re old school, and that’s okay.

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I hate to be this person but, not their best song…

2. Your son bought you this car.

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Guess he didn’t want to splurge on a S Class

3. You have a catch phrase that hasn’t caught on.

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It’s like slang… From England

4. You’re proud of your heritage.

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Props to this lady for the plate cover, at first I thought she drank tequila for recreational uses, but she cleared that up. Whatever, Go Dodgers!

5. You’re not European, but you get that a lot.

At least American Gypsies are Eco-friendly.

At least American Gypsies are Eco-friendly.

6. You own and operate a small business.

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GSTBSTRS doesn’t make sense without the vowels.

7. You like to scare the crap out of other drivers.

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This reminds me of that Halle Berry movie “Call”. BTW there is a hand sticking out of the trunk.

8. You have been personally victimized by Regina George.

So you agree? You think you're really pretty?

So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?

9.  You’re Carly Rae Jepson (or her biggest fan).

Ever wondered how the phone call in "Call Me Maybe" ended?  You're in luck.

Ever wondered how the phone call in “Call Me Maybe” ended? You’re in luck.

10. You really like attention.

If Harry Potter had a van...

If Harry Potter had a van…

And just for laughs.

Is it illegal to be 1 cm from the steering wheel?

Is it illegal to be 1 cm from the steering wheel?

*DISCLAIMER: none of these photos were taking while I was driving the car.  I took all of these photos.