What Willow & Jaden Smith Actually Meant in Their New York Times Interview

Jaden and Willow Smith sat down with the New York Times last week to talk about music, inspiration and being a teenager.  The article itself was a little odd and unclear at times so I went ahead and had them clarify some of their answers.

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 12.19.41 AMQ. What have you been reading?

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

I just saw that movie Interstellar and I was confused about a lot of things.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.

Not by choice.  Those are the only free downloads in iBooks.

Q. What are some of the themes that recur in your work?

JADEN: The P.C.H. being one of them; the melancholiness of the ocean; the melancholiness of everything else.

I live in LA and like most Los Angelians, I spend a lot of time in traffic.  When you write music, you write what you know, and I know when PCH goes down to one lane in Malibu, that is a tragedy.

WILLOW: And the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made.

I really like Pokemon cards.

Q. How do you write? What’s your process?

JADEN: She gets in the booth and just starts singing.

Booth, shower, a glass cage of emotion and starts singing when she thinks no one can hear her.

WILLOW: I mean, the beat is usually what moves me. Or I think of concepts. Then when I hear a beat that is, like, elaborating on that concept, I just go off.

In music the beat is essential, unless you’re singing acapella, then it just matters what your voice sounds like.  I’m trying “The Taylor Swift Method”, you know writing songs based off concepts like break-ups, being yourself or how Willow is like a female version of my dad’s name.

JADEN: She freestyles and finds out what she likes. Same thing with me.

You know when you’re at a bar and some drunk girl is like “I love Salt N Pepper and I’m drunk enough that I’m convinced I’m not that drunk, so I can totally read the lyrics, but I sound horrible”.  It’s like that.

WILLOW: You piece it together. You piece together those little moments of inspiration.

I have a notebook that I keep with me at all times called “Willspiration” it’s like a play on words of Willow and inspiration.  The other day I wrote “truffle lobster mac n cheese”. 

Q. How does fashion relate to what you do?

JADEN: Willow just dropped a song (“Cares”), let me quote the lyrics: “I do not care what people say.” We both don’t really care. I like to wear things that I make, but I throw it on as though I was throwing on anything. It looks cool, sometimes.

I’m just shamelessly plugging Willow’s new CD because that’s is supporting our family right now.  Seriously, we’re broke and we need this.

WILLOW: I like to go to places with my high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras. So I can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” But in my regular life, I put on clothes that I can climb trees in.

I climb trees to hide from my parents…

Q. So what’s next?

JADEN: I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time. And when I say craziest, I mean, like, I want to do like Olympic-level things. I want to be the most durable person on the planet.

If I’m completely honest, I was really unimpressed with men’s figure skating in the Sochi Olympics and I’m looking to compete in 2018.  Instead of that Irish dance guy, I’m gonna break dance on ice.

WILLOW: I think by the time we’re 30 or 20, we’re going to be climbing as many mountains as we can possibly climb.

20, 30 what’s the difference.  I’m only 14 so I don’t have any real issues to worry about.  Also by “climbing mountains” I mean emotionally, not physically.  That seems way too difficult.


Willow’s “3″ is available now on iTunes. Jaden’s “Cool Tapes Vol. 2″ will be available beginning at 12 a.m. with the download of his new app called Jaden Experience.

The Ex(es) Meth Lady

The Exes, a popular TV Land series that almost no one under the age of 35 has heard of, is show that requires the assistants of the CBS Red Coats.  It was a fateful Wednesday, when I first worked this show and found myself pleasantly surprised.  How can you be disappointed with a cast that stars Newman from Seinfeld.  And remember Murray from Clueless?  If you’re like me, and you didn’t know that he moved on to more serious projects like Scrubs and Robot Chicken, then you will take great pleasure in knowing his career lasted well beyond the 90′s.  Murray, who goes by his birth name Donald Faison, and this wonderful cast, bring in the ideal demographic for TV Land: adorable grandparents, out-of-towners in Tevas and local crackheads.  This is the True Story of a local and potentially drug-addicted woman named Dorothy*, who attended the taping on this fateful night.

*I have no idea what this woman’s real name is.

I imagine Dorothy growing up in rural West Virginia, playing in mud puddles and watching her uncles kill their dinner.  Dorothy loves TV.  She probably wrote a fan letter or two.  Most importantly, Dorothy loves The Exes.  She never told us this outright, but she returns to CBS Studio Center every week for the taping and demands free food and in my 24 years of experience, that is love.

Often a sit-com taping take well over 4 hours, which compared to other productions, isn’t so bad.  The production provides the audience with dinner, usually a turkey sandwich or thinly sliced pizza, so offers more than most jobs.  The audience can only take one item of food per person, as production wants all 200 audience members to have something in their belly.  Since the average weight of the regularly attending audience member is on par with the Titanic, they tend to take well more than their fair share.

Every TV taping with an audience has a warm-up guy to ensure the audience feels entertained during set changes or re-writes.  The warm-up guys usually crack jokes about LA having record low temperatures of 65 degrees or talks about the appeal of Disneyland without kids.  This warm-up guy, his name might be Chuck, but it also might not be, chose to pass out a deck of cards (52 whole cards!) to the most enthusiastic members of the audience.  At the end of the night, he would draw a card from a separate deck and whoever had the matching card won a $10 gift card to In ‘n’ Out.  You would think he was passing out winning lottery tickets the way people began screaming and jumping up and down.  I wondered if all those people jumping was perhaps some sort of safety hazard.

As Chuck passed out the cards, he passed by Dorothy who proceeded to call him a “dick” for no apparent reason.  He responded with “crackhead”.

Dorothy did not like being referred to as a crackhead. And in her defense, I wouldn’t like to be either.

The scene that unraveled was like that scene in “Sex and the City” when the socialite fell out of a window at Carrie’s Vogue editor’s apartment, except Dorothy did not fall out of a window.  Dorothy fell down the stairs as she stormed out of the taping.

Dorothy informed us in the loudest voice possible, which was also during the middle of a take, that she was “not a crackhead” and had “never been so insulted in her life”.

Really?

Someone on production ran over to see what was happening just as Dorothy declared she was suing CBS for “libel” and “slander”.  You know “The Exes” isn’t on CBS, right?

Dorothy was so confident she’d win this “defamation” lawsuit that she promised to clean us dry (not sure what this means) and we would never work again, a promise she also made to herself a long time.

Dorothy stormed out of the sounds stage, unaccompanied by a CBS employee, which is a big no-no. Security stepped in and then the really intense security that can actually secure an area stepped in and banned Dorothy from ever stepping foot on CBS space again.

Chuck drew from his other deck of cards and someone else won the coveted In-n-Out gift card that Dorothy had longed for.

I know this ending seems anti-climatic in the end, but this was a taping of The Exes, not America’s Most Wanted.

Who Wore It Better: People We Want to Go Away Edition

Who Wore It Better?

bieber-mugshot-400x500 hSXwMcPTX24w3gqUIlV1_Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 11.51.25 AM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan. 23 Justin Bieber is photographed at a Miami Police Station in an orange, cotton frock.  The singer/ narcissistic/ middle school drop-out paired the frock with a pair of white Adidas sneakers.  Bieber was asked to take off his sneakers during a full body pat down, which included a cavity search.  Bieber said he enjoyed his departure from his usual cotton wife beater/baggy jorts combo and was later overheard saying, “orange is the new black!”  Later in the afternoon, Bieber delighted inmates when took to the hallway to give his fiercest catwalk.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PMThe orange frock, found in stores that carry Fruit of the Loom, sold out instantly.  Kate Middleton was rumored to have chucked her phone against a wall when she heard her order would take a minimum of six weeks.

Rick Perry took a different approach by keeping it politician casual as he was photographed on the red white floor of the Austin jailhouse.  Perry decided to ditch his normal “hip-stir” glasses or whatever that term the kids are using these days.  He also gives a less-than revealing smile to show he does not use botox and doesn’t look as creepy as Mitt Romney.  Perry later gave a surprise performance speech to a group of Texans.  While the crowd averaged 45-61 year old men and women, it had the same energy as Ed Sullivan’s studio the night 4 men with bowl cuts made their American debut.

Both chose a make-up free approach and “seem pretty content with their photos”. Perry noted, “I’m just so, so, so grateful I don’t have a double chin”.

Who do YOU think looked better?

People on Instagram Sing Sia’s “Chandelier”

It all started when I was trying to take a really cool picture of myself in reflection of the glass on my balcony.  It was pretty successful until I noticed my chandelier was in the background where the ocean should have been.

Obviously I #chandelier and upon exploring what that hashtag had to offer, I found so many great covers of the Sia song.  God Bless.

She was actually kind of good, but just not here.

I was nervous this girl was going to start screaming a la “Psycho Girl Tries to Sing I Will Always Love You”

C’est la Vie?

I really appreciated Tony’s cover because he accidentally harmonized with his cat in the end.

I’m pretty sure this is the guy from “Botched” who spent $100G trying to look like Justin Bieber.

Is this a guy or a girl?

Chandelier sounds weird on an organ.

Let’s just let the kid from Dance Mom’s do her.

This Basic Betch is Back!

Miss me?  My hiatus is unacceptable and hopefully won’t happen again.  In case you’re wondering, I’ve been busy working at Funny or Die and I took incredibly beautiful and oddly un-relaxing trip to Hawaii (I was constantly hiking so I barely had time to lie aimlessly on the sand). I also changed my Instagram handle to @basicbitchsguide so that was life changing.  Since I missed writing “The Basic Bitch’s Guide to the 4th of July”, I’ll instead recap the first 10 days of the month.

4320b4f35aff0292a8573d1dcbed9452The 4th of July weekend is over.  The hangover is beginning to subside and so many iPhone 5 chargers are missing and in my book, this is Amber Alert worthy.  Amidst my uncharged phone, there is a plethora of chargers for the iPhone 4 lying around my room. Sand is still coming out of my body like cocaine is going up Lindsay Lohan’s nose.  I can’t even fathom how I’m doing work, nevertheless working out.  To make up for the work-outs I’m skipping, I bought a ton of LuLu Lemon tops, which my bank account was really thankful for (my thighs were not).  Luckily I am here to offer some recovery tips as you piece together the holiday weekend  and try to remember what dignity was.  So here’s my advice:

1. Drink water.

2. Do this.  I don’t know what it’s called, but it feels great and my back cracks every time.  It’s yoga heroin.

yoga-twistYou are likely to have heard as much about the shark attack in Manhattan Beach as you have about Kimye’s wedding.  In case you’re a hipster, there was a shark attack down the street from me on the 5th of July.  While I respect the ambition of any person who can get into the ocean for a 2 mile swim at 9 AM the morning after the 4th, I can’t help wondering if one more vodka shot would have kept this man out of the water.  So if you are ever taking a dip and notice death himself staring you in the eye, hit him in the nose. Actually just read this, it’s given me a lot of comfort because I don’t have the inner strength of Bethany Hamilton.  I am really not the inspirational shark victim the world is looking for.

tumblr_lnau10YKVK1qdwnreAnd finally, go watch this Funny or Die video.  Why? Because I’m in it!

Happy America month!

Boehner Plans Lawsuit Against Obama

tumblr_merb0r0Qg91qe7mneWashington (SCHLIBBY.COM) – House Speaker John Boehner Wednesday told reporters that he plans to sue President Barack Obama over absolutely nothing.

“I’m in it to win it,” the Speaker said when asked about the potential lawsuit.

“You know the constitution makes it clear that I have freedom of speech so I’m just going to continue talking to anyone who will listen,” Boehner stated to a GIF of Ronald Reagan.

The Speaker denied that the lawsuit sprung from secretly racist Republicans.

“This is about me making sure I have as much attention as I can possibly get.  Someone’s got a birthday coming up and if you look back over her 235 year history, there have been very few powerful men from Ohio with this good a tan.  In the past 5 years, Obama’s natural caramel smooth skin, due to his African heritage, rivals that.

Republicans, looking to procrastinate on real issues, argue that the President is breaching his constitutional power in some way that a fancy lawyer could figure out. By ignoring crazy, old men in Congress, Obama has used executive actions as a way to bypass a deeply divided Congress.  Granted, most of the divide stems from men who believe dinosaurs didn’t exist because they aren’t in the Bible, but YOLO.   Republicans are over Obama ignoring them because they’re trying to block his legislation.  Also, can he please fix those grey hairs, I mean who is he trying to be, George Clooney?

So far, the Republican-controlled House has passed two bills aimed at curbing executive orders by the President, which is a really big deal.  Do you know how hard it is to get closeted gays in the same room as Nancy Pelosi?

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi Wednesday was like this lawsuit is “a joke and a half” and that Republicans in Congress are “lazier than Rob Kardashian” and “can someone remind them this is a paying job.”

Pelosi said the House GOP effort to challenge the Defense of Marriage Act in court wasted $2.3 million in taxpayer money, and said “here we go again” as she rolled her eyes so far back into her head, staffers had to call for help.

Obama has used his executive authority to push through a number of issues that actually help a lot of people in this country. Most recently, he directed the Department of Labor to extend family leave to same-sex couples, which was a little show-boaty. Previously, he raised the minimum wage so people making minimum wage could buy more weed.  He also halted deportations for many children in the United States illegally, which was nice because someone has to mow Boehner’s lawn.

Rank and file House Republicans have been pushing for months for top GOP leaders to file a lawsuit.  In fact, they dubbed “Wrecking Ball” as their theme song.  They claimed to be unaware of the music video.

Conservative Republicans have long complained that the President has overstepped his authority – mostly the fact that he is President.  They cited the series of changes that the Obama has made on his own to twerk tweak the implementation of Obamacare.  Sidenote: their deadbeat sons are really stoked about staying on their father’s insurance plans until 26.

Congressional Republicans, fueled by anger from their grassroots supporters of people who literally plant grass,  were really confused when the President said in January that he had a “pen and a phone” and would take action on key priorities if Congress failed to do anything.  “Dumbass,” said Vicki Hartzler (R, Missouri), “you can’t write on a phone”.

One avenue Boehner could take is to convene a Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group – something he did in 2011 when the White House told Congress this whole anti-gay thing is really getting old.

Since there is only a day and a half left before Congress heads out for recess, which is what they’ve been referring to their current term as, the lawsuit is not expected to be filed until next month.  Boehner also plans on getting “super wasted” at his annual Party in the USA and “would need a few days to recover”.

Boehner just so happened to be with the President on Tuesday, along with Vice President Joe Biden, where they took a selfie and filtered it with X-Pro II.  The mood was pretty casual, but Boehner was annoyed with Biden beat him in a chugging contest.

Obama joked: “Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Commissioner Tim Finchem jokingly said that he’s been keeping track of who laughs at the President’s golf jokes.  Boehner, due to recent botox injections, is unable to laugh.

“I caught a glimmer of approval in his eye,” remarked the President on Boehner’s reaction to his recent golf joke.

This is a parody of a recent CNN.com article entitled “Boehner Plans Lawsuit against Obama Over Executive Order”.

Basic Bitch’s Guide to the Stanely Cup

When I first started seeing #GKG on Facebook, I assumed it was some weird Game of Thrones reference.   I usually ignore these types of status because don’t watch Game of Thrones, I watch Gay of Thrones.  So anyway, one day I was accidentally listening to Ryan Secrest on my drive to work and he explained how he didn’t know what the hashtag stood for either.  Hopefully, not knowing what Go Kings Go meant, is the only thing I have in common Ryan Secrest.  So if you’re not an avid hockey fan like myself, here are a few facts about hockey and the Stanley Cup.

1.  Will Ferrell’s 2012 #GKG campaign is currently posted across the street from Madison Square Garden. This is so Mad Men of the Kings.  Somewhere up in TV Heaven, a Don Draper angel is smiling down on the ad exec who thought this up.  Just to clarify, Don Draper hasn’t died on Mad Men, it’s just an imaginary place I like to imagine all TV characters go.

 

2. Hilary Duff and her ex-husband are never, ever, ever, but possibly, getting back together. He’s a hockey player. That’s about all this has to do with the Stanley Cup.

Hilary DuffWe’re in a drought, so this seemed relevant.

3. The rest of the series will play on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If neither team has won 4 games, they series will continue into the week with game 6 on Monday and game 7 Wednesday. I’m sensing a pattern here.

we wear pink4.  Wayne Gretsky is the Michael Jordan of hockey, playing for 20 seasons and appearing in the Stanley Cup 6 times, (one of those appearances while playing for the Kings).  You’ve probably heard the quote “you miss 100% of the shots you never take” at some point in your life.  While Wayne is a hockey legend, you probably know his daughter, Paulina.  She’s Instagram famous, which means she’s a model.

paulina gretsky5.  The Stanley Cup is named after Lord Stanley of Preston, the then Governor General of Canada, and was first awarded in 1893.  They’re 3 different Stanley Cups and the one we all know today weights over 30 pounds.  The winning team is allowed to engrave 52 names onto the Cup and like most sports, winners get Stanley Cup rings.

ring housewives6. And just to clarify, the LA Kings are currently 2 games ahead of the New York Rangers in the Stanely Cup Finals.  Please don’t confuse them with the NBA finals, LeBron James vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

labronI feel like this was a pretty extensive overview for a sport I’m likely going to stop following in another week.  So until next hockey season!

hockey lol

7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

Want more?

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Instagram’s Best Repsonses to V. Stiviano

I’m really glad V. Stiviano decided to sabotage her boss because this Donald Sterling saga has entertained me in way that Malaysian Flight 370 hasn’t in months.  As some of you know, I went home to Washington D.C. for mother’s day and one very jet lagged night, I had this horrific epiphany.  For a fleeting moment, I felt meaningless and empty, like I was this basic bitch who was as deep as a puddle.  Like I was V. Stiviano.  It became very clear on my 6 hour flight form DC to LA that Donald Sterling was more than some rotting sack, sippin’ on some crazy juice. You can hate rap music and other cultures, that’s your prerogative, but hating on Magic Johnson?  How dare you.

If there’s one thing that freedom of speech and the internet have created, it’s nonsense.  Excessive and hilarious nonsense.  Here’s Instagram’s best response to V. Stiviano, off her very own Instagram account.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.06.18 PMIt starts off with people just throwing regular shade like “gold digger” or “tranny”, adjectives everyone uses when they describe V. Stiv.  We all have opinions and it’s very important that we share these eloquent and private details on public platforms.

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Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.17 PMAfter we brainstormed adjectives, girls were all “you’re a fugly slut”.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.07.06 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.09.03 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.09.47 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.17 PMBut then we got super aggressive with the insults we were throwing out.  I mean suuuuuper aggressive (and super creative).

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Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.10.28 PMAnd of course we had to bring race into this… BTW, I’m not really sure what a sucubas is, but it sounds like something I would get offended over.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.09.31 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.08.09 PM

So after we established she was an ugly, but very sexually active, gold-digging tranny, with plastic surgery and who multiple races were disassociating themselves from, we decided she was unfit for motherhood and presidency.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.07.35 PMBut then we decided that offering life advice would be much more beneficial towards creating a world free from V Stiviano.

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And then people just started asking for sex, because if you’ve had sex with Donald Sterling, literally anything still breathing is a step up.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.11.17 PMBut some people weren’t into internet shaming V. Stiv, some people don’t know when to shut up.  I hope you get arthritis in your thumbs.

Screen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.12.30 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.12.41 PMScreen Shot 2014-05-21 at 10.13.02 PMI’m over V. Stiv, little rabbits and self proclaimed fabulous bodies.

#stressed not #blessed

tumblr_mvd0x3lrmn1qd9va9o1_500I’m insta-stressed.

I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect, not in real life, but on social media.  Take Facebook, is it just me or somewhere in the new Terms & Agreement does it state your profile pic has to be professionally done and  get 60 likes in the first hour (that’s a like per minute).  Does everyone have a friend with a Canon EOS to capture all these magical, candid, care-free moments for you to choose from?  Your photos are incredible, and then there’s me, a blurry picture where I  hammer a pen into a cork because desperate times call for desperate measures.  I love my picture, but I have to stay competitive with my super-fit and super photogenic sorority sisters… and those bitches from high school.  So now I get stressed because not only does my profile picture not seem “care-free” and “jealousy-enducing”, but as a college grad, it needs some semblance of professionalism so my boss doesn’t ask me “what kind of message” I want to send to my co-workers.  Sidenote: I blocked her.  I still need to post everything I’m doing to prove I have the lifestyle of the Jenners girls, the work ethic of Frank Underwood and Bad Girl Riri’s attitude. The icing on the cake is another girl got engaged and I really can’t deal with another 4,000 posts detailing every second of it.  There should be some sort of engagement-ettiquate class so your single friends don’t fantasize about breaking your ring with an ice pick.

happy-birthday-leighton-meester4Then there’s LinkedIn, which in all honesty, does anyone even care about your LinkedIn? I bet I could put “assistant to cat and professional poop thrower” and no one would bat an eye.  It’s all fun and games until I get requests from old acquaints who apparently run Goldman Sachs at 25 and didn’t need 4 google searches to correctly spell “acquaints”.  As I update my LinkedIn, which looks nicer than my actual resume, I add every highlight in my work career.  I’m talking babysitting in the 7th grade, for not just any family of 4, but the Vice President of the United States.  I mean no one is actually going to read this right?  They’re just going to look at the heading, find someone way to re-evaluate their self-worth and then move on.  It’s fine if I “babysat” Joe Biden’s kids, who are actually many years my senior.  What are you, some sort of fact-checking historian?

No you’re not.

I know this from reading your LinkedIn and then googling you to make sure you weren’t lying.  So in addition to adding details like, “worked with the entire cast of How I Met Your Mother“, which really means I saw them once on set, or currently dating Joseph Gordon Levitt, which translates to “held the door open”, I have become a professional bragger.  It is really #stressful to exasperate career highlights like this! I need a #vacation.

beyonce 2Speaking of #vacation, I see that you recently traveled to St. Kitts/ St. Barts/ St. Croix/ any beautiful island with “Saint” in the title, via your Instagram.  I thought the more followers I had, the more likes would come but that has proven to be the opposite. I get like no likes, ok like 15, and then stress out whether or not I should delete the photo because it’s embarrassing.  How stupid is that?! On a serious note, my blog’s instagram whose following consists of spammers and porn stars, gets more likes than most of my photos.   I am stressing out over my “popularity” on social media, which in no way is in direct correlation with my relationships in real life.  Rather, it’s a test to see how well my family, friends and co-workers can operate their smart phones.  Never mind that I’m probably the only person who looks at my own Instagram with any sort of critic, but who knows, I could have hidden enemies out there that thrive on the fact that I got 15 likes and they got 123.  It’s quality not quantity! Right?

Also when did everyone become a model?  I recently discovered you had a professional photographer around you at all times, but seriously, have you always had Kate Upton’s boobs and Britney’s abs circa 2003?  I was not aware that Victoria’s Secret could call you at any second and you’d be runway ready.  When did I become more Lena Dunham and less Brooklyn Decker?  The answer is birth.

kateuptonSo here I am stressing about my Facebook/ LinkedIn/ Instagram when I get a notification that my phone is almost out of memory and I can’t save  this super artsy pic of me next to some Venice graffiti, which would have gotten at least 40 likes.  Stupid iPhone!  I have no memory because I have 6, yes SIX, different Photoshop apps! It’s not just about taking a picture, it’s the ability to turn that picture of a piece of trash on the Venice boardwalk, add a fish eye, sharpen and filter it until it has the bright colors of the tropical island you were just traveling on and becomes something Francesca Eastwood would set on fire.

Annoyed, and trying to figure out how to take the perfect picture, I stumble onto Pintrest which apparently is not the same thing as Tumblr.

tumblr_n3qetrbn551sh7221o2_500Pinterest confuses me the most because it consists of beautiful models, cake and relationships advice.  It’s like how basic can you bitches get?  I already see enough couples making out on the beach in real life so seeing well dressed girls aimlessly walking on streets eating cronuts just annoys me. Attention world, if you are going to make the cronut recipe you saw on Pinterest, you are probably not going to look like the white girls in ridiculously skimpy bikinis next to it.

So now I’m back to Instagram because this super sunset with an Ernest Hemmingway quote might be the photo I’ve been looking for.  UPDATE: it’s not and everyone still looks like a model and averages 100 likes per photo.

Needing a laugh and a lot of wine, I turn to Vine.  Apparently EVERYONE is a professional comedian in addition to being a model, with a ridiculous resume, and a metabolism 4x faster than the normal rate.

HermionieI try to find some solace in Twitter, because I only use that for the news, but nothing is getting Favorited or Retweeted.  Then I realize the only things on my twitter account are retweets of @whitegrlproblems and me being drunk.  Did I mention I’m a basic bitch?

Now I’m back to Facebook to post a photo I not only Photoshopped, picstiched and Instagramed, but also emailed to myself due to the lack of memory on my phone.   My Instagram didn’t get enough likes, I’m not funny, my twitter is unoriginal, my Facebook picture don’t get the like per minute guarenteed in the new Terms & Agreement.  My phone is running out of battery in addition to memory because running all these stupid apps is a complete waste of energy, but, oh wait now I’m up to 30 likes so I am validated.

So forget having a successful career, making lots of money, financial independence, having a boyfriend, eating and exercising, having hobbies, playing sports, talking to people or anything interactive because my life is completely validated through my social media interactions or lack there of.  You can Google me and I come up.  Take that insta-slut!

farewell-cristina-yang-best-one-liners2Let me know if you find a good therapy app because I now lack the communication skills to tell a doctor of my growing anxiety. I can only text ,and honestly, I’m not getting a great wi-fi connection in here so it looks like I’ll be using SMS, which is #totes going to drag this conversation on by a good 10 minutes. Ugh. #FML