Tiny Detectives is Almost too Tiny to Function

HBO’s “Tiny Detective” starring miniature ponies actresses Ellen Page and Kate Mara is one of the most innovative and original shows to enter your living room since “Breaking Bad”.  Called “a realistic look into our legal system” and “small idea for a big audience” by the LA Times, the trailer steams away from the the male driven first season of”True Detective” and turns it into hilarity.

While the plot of this second season is less focused on bad guys, unexpected twists and romance, there will be heightened tension. Get it?

IMG_6479The trailer recently went immortal on Funny or Die, which means it will forever be on the internet long past the days of humans using the internet.

Bib + Tuck

bt-logo1I recently discovered Bib + Tuck after my best / alter ego Babe Walker couldn’t stop gushing about it.  It’s a blog that allows you to sell or buy vintage and designer clothes for 30-60% off its retail price.

I recently added a few of my own items that, due to  years of neglect in my closet, are looking for new owners.  My Marc Jacobs bracelet made editor’s pick, so needless to say, the people want what I have.

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I’ve also added a Michael Kors top and Nasty Gal skirt.  For those of you who read #GIRLBOSS, this is how Sophia Amoruso founded Nasty Gal.  I would say I’m following in her footsteps.

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The Basic Bitch’s Guide to Properly Using BAE

BaeWhen bae first entered my life, I just assumed it was some Beyonce reference.  What could possibly be more important when saying “bae” than “Bey”?  Then I started seeing people like Kylie Jenner use bae, and then someone at work ironically started calling interns that and before I knew it, I was watching some super skinny chick walk down the street with a #BAE shirt.  Like most internet slang, cough SMH, bae is completely useless and a yet another word slowly destroying the English language.  Honestly, sometimes I’d rather speak a foreign language, like Arabic or Spanish, so I can completely avoid these stupid acronyms.  Just as I began to accept bae for what it was, I realized there was a world full of basic bitches misusing bae.  Being the Dan Rather of the basic bitch community, I created the Basic Bitch’s Guide to properly using bae so we can all move on with our lives.

#basicbetchproblems

The most important thing we all need to take away from this situation is Beyonce can and will only be referred to Queen B or Bey.  Never bae. She’s pissed and asks that we all continue to bow down.

tumblr_myzjm4NVyZ1s5lf2ro1_500Another really important part of the bae trend is to remember that both ghetto people and white girls aren’t the only ones who say bae.  Although they make up 98.97% of native bae speakers, there is that 1.03% of general population that uses bae.  The 1% includes cool moms and lazy people.

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 11.42.44 PMJust as I was beginning to differentiate when people said “bae” from when they said “babe”, Pharrell had to pull a fast one and release this lyrically deceiving song and the most basic music video I’ve ever seen.  Was the inspiration my bedroom at 2 AM on a Saturday?  I would say the concept for this was not very BAE.

The more bae was in my life, the more basic being before anyone else seemed.

Sidenote: in case you’re from the planet Mars or above the age of 27, bae means before anyone else and I’m surprised you made it this far without googling it.

Back to bae.  You’ll put me before anyone else?  So if there is a train coming are you going to put me before anyone else like Frank Underwood did to Kate Mara’s character, who should have been named Kate Mara because I’ve never heard anyone refer to her as Zoe Barnes.

imatterMore importantly, I don’t want to be before just anyone.  Anyone sounds lazy and unimportant.  Like anyone can go to Florida.  Anyone can write a blog. Anyone can release a sex tape with Ray J and get a reality show.  There’s nothing special about being just anyone.

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In case you’re still confused, you can use BAE in the following situations

  • if you’ve recently had your wisdom teeth removed and can’t say anything else
  • if you’re basic
  • if you want everyone to hate you
  • if you’re above the age of 40 and in denial about it
  • if you’re not a native English speaker

Here’s my brilliant plan, I’m going to start using BEE, Before Everyone Else.  I’m going to hashtag it in instagrams, get it as a wrist tat and live everyday like I’m Glen Coco.  Later BEEsies.  Ugh, I love it already!

Bow Down BEES!

 

Who Wore It Better: People We Want to Go Away Edition

Who Wore It Better?

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Jan. 23 Justin Bieber is photographed at a Miami Police Station in an orange, cotton frock.  The singer/ narcissistic/ middle school drop-out paired the frock with a pair of white Adidas sneakers.  Bieber was asked to take off his sneakers during a full body pat down, which included a cavity search.  Bieber said he enjoyed his departure from his usual cotton wife beater/baggy jorts combo and was later overheard saying, “orange is the new black!”  Later in the afternoon, Bieber delighted inmates when took to the hallway to give his fiercest catwalk.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PMThe orange frock, found in stores that carry Fruit of the Loom, sold out instantly.  Kate Middleton was rumored to have chucked her phone against a wall when she heard her order would take a minimum of six weeks.

Rick Perry took a different approach by keeping it politician casual as he was photographed on the red white floor of the Austin jailhouse.  Perry decided to ditch his normal “hip-stir” glasses or whatever that term the kids are using these days.  He also gives a less-than revealing smile to show he does not use botox and doesn’t look as creepy as Mitt Romney.  Perry later gave a surprise performance speech to a group of Texans.  While the crowd averaged 45-61 year old men and women, it had the same energy as Ed Sullivan’s studio the night 4 men with bowl cuts made their American debut.

Both chose a make-up free approach and “seem pretty content with their photos”. Perry noted, “I’m just so, so, so grateful I don’t have a double chin”.

Who do YOU think looked better?

15 Quotes Every Basic Betch Needs to Hear

Whenever my friends have a problem in their life, I find sending them random pictures or quotes, usually a combination of the two, really helpful.  They can find comfort and make it their phone background.  I just really love Pinterest and lying in my bed on a Friday night.  So here are 15 quotes every basic bitch needs to hear/ re-pin in order to live her life.  Also remember this is for my #basicbetchproblem girls, so if you’re looking for something more inspiring, go read an encyclopedia.

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3050160937_RLLZ_1enhanced-buzz-25780-1376598349-5ff92b286bcd72f9b9d11465f480fc0e75606d9824878048f1017021d7a9a9aa7OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAd5fc03385075e4cb24aacc4ff4de24cf

3f868133859b07a381079448f07345a8d12e22e344a4a472c5a3385518e2a1ad1f6511c186875ee0290f358c3919b71605635d63e63b55a0f8bb48812874597a4e3e9c7b31c14a02dc3e0805fb30b03d28608d9e0b04d4a7dacaaa221f272da38e8b1d8e4c37897f7da24a07c8f34381

 

People on Instagram Sing Sia’s “Chandelier”

It all started when I was trying to take a really cool picture of myself in reflection of the glass on my balcony.  It was pretty successful until I noticed my chandelier was in the background where the ocean should have been.

Obviously I #chandelier and upon exploring what that hashtag had to offer, I found so many great covers of the Sia song.  God Bless.

She was actually kind of good, but just not here.

I was nervous this girl was going to start screaming a la “Psycho Girl Tries to Sing I Will Always Love You”

C’est la Vie?

I really appreciated Tony’s cover because he accidentally harmonized with his cat in the end.

I’m pretty sure this is the guy from “Botched” who spent $100G trying to look like Justin Bieber.

Is this a guy or a girl?

Chandelier sounds weird on an organ.

Let’s just let the kid from Dance Mom’s do her.

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds Part II

The other night, someone told me about Thrinder, a Tinder like app that sets up threesomes. Besides throwing up in my mouth when she explained how you can meet someone based on similar fetishes, as if feet didn’t freak me out enough, you also have the choice of finding matches as a single person or a couple.  Move over Craig’s List Killer, there’s a new app in town.

Going back to a much more PG lifestyle, emember How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds? Well Tinder now has a sexual harassment lawsuit on their hands and I’m not surprised.  I’m much more into Hinge these days… JK! Hinge is super boring.

201-How-to-Lose-a-Guy-in-10-Days-quotesGirls get offended easily.

IMG_5423 IMG_5422The Proclaimers

IMG_5421Everyone should be somewhat familiar with the works of Usher Raymond.

IMG_5417 IMG_5420 Breaking Bad

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Stoopid.

IMG_5433And you suck.IMG_5476 IMG_5477 IMG_5479You can try Christian Mingle.

This Basic Betch is Back!

Miss me?  My hiatus is unacceptable and hopefully won’t happen again.  In case you’re wondering, I’ve been busy working at Funny or Die and I took incredibly beautiful and oddly un-relaxing trip to Hawaii (I was constantly hiking so I barely had time to lie aimlessly on the sand). I also changed my Instagram handle to @basicbitchsguide so that was life changing.  Since I missed writing “The Basic Bitch’s Guide to the 4th of July”, I’ll instead recap the first 10 days of the month.

4320b4f35aff0292a8573d1dcbed9452The 4th of July weekend is over.  The hangover is beginning to subside and so many iPhone 5 chargers are missing and in my book, this is Amber Alert worthy.  Amidst my uncharged phone, there is a plethora of chargers for the iPhone 4 lying around my room. Sand is still coming out of my body like cocaine is going up Lindsay Lohan’s nose.  I can’t even fathom how I’m doing work, nevertheless working out.  To make up for the work-outs I’m skipping, I bought a ton of LuLu Lemon tops, which my bank account was really thankful for (my thighs were not).  Luckily I am here to offer some recovery tips as you piece together the holiday weekend  and try to remember what dignity was.  So here’s my advice:

1. Drink water.

2. Do this.  I don’t know what it’s called, but it feels great and my back cracks every time.  It’s yoga heroin.

yoga-twistYou are likely to have heard as much about the shark attack in Manhattan Beach as you have about Kimye’s wedding.  In case you’re a hipster, there was a shark attack down the street from me on the 5th of July.  While I respect the ambition of any person who can get into the ocean for a 2 mile swim at 9 AM the morning after the 4th, I can’t help wondering if one more vodka shot would have kept this man out of the water.  So if you are ever taking a dip and notice death himself staring you in the eye, hit him in the nose. Actually just read this, it’s given me a lot of comfort because I don’t have the inner strength of Bethany Hamilton.  I am really not the inspirational shark victim the world is looking for.

tumblr_lnau10YKVK1qdwnreAnd finally, go watch this Funny or Die video.  Why? Because I’m in it!

Happy America month!

Boehner Plans Lawsuit Against Obama

tumblr_merb0r0Qg91qe7mneWashington (SCHLIBBY.COM) – House Speaker John Boehner Wednesday told reporters that he plans to sue President Barack Obama over absolutely nothing.

“I’m in it to win it,” the Speaker said when asked about the potential lawsuit.

“You know the constitution makes it clear that I have freedom of speech so I’m just going to continue talking to anyone who will listen,” Boehner stated to a GIF of Ronald Reagan.

The Speaker denied that the lawsuit sprung from secretly racist Republicans.

“This is about me making sure I have as much attention as I can possibly get.  Someone’s got a birthday coming up and if you look back over her 235 year history, there have been very few powerful men from Ohio with this good a tan.  In the past 5 years, Obama’s natural caramel smooth skin, due to his African heritage, rivals that.

Republicans, looking to procrastinate on real issues, argue that the President is breaching his constitutional power in some way that a fancy lawyer could figure out. By ignoring crazy, old men in Congress, Obama has used executive actions as a way to bypass a deeply divided Congress.  Granted, most of the divide stems from men who believe dinosaurs didn’t exist because they aren’t in the Bible, but YOLO.   Republicans are over Obama ignoring them because they’re trying to block his legislation.  Also, can he please fix those grey hairs, I mean who is he trying to be, George Clooney?

So far, the Republican-controlled House has passed two bills aimed at curbing executive orders by the President, which is a really big deal.  Do you know how hard it is to get closeted gays in the same room as Nancy Pelosi?

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi Wednesday was like this lawsuit is “a joke and a half” and that Republicans in Congress are “lazier than Rob Kardashian” and “can someone remind them this is a paying job.”

Pelosi said the House GOP effort to challenge the Defense of Marriage Act in court wasted $2.3 million in taxpayer money, and said “here we go again” as she rolled her eyes so far back into her head, staffers had to call for help.

Obama has used his executive authority to push through a number of issues that actually help a lot of people in this country. Most recently, he directed the Department of Labor to extend family leave to same-sex couples, which was a little show-boaty. Previously, he raised the minimum wage so people making minimum wage could buy more weed.  He also halted deportations for many children in the United States illegally, which was nice because someone has to mow Boehner’s lawn.

Rank and file House Republicans have been pushing for months for top GOP leaders to file a lawsuit.  In fact, they dubbed “Wrecking Ball” as their theme song.  They claimed to be unaware of the music video.

Conservative Republicans have long complained that the President has overstepped his authority – mostly the fact that he is President.  They cited the series of changes that the Obama has made on his own to twerk tweak the implementation of Obamacare.  Sidenote: their deadbeat sons are really stoked about staying on their father’s insurance plans until 26.

Congressional Republicans, fueled by anger from their grassroots supporters of people who literally plant grass,  were really confused when the President said in January that he had a “pen and a phone” and would take action on key priorities if Congress failed to do anything.  “Dumbass,” said Vicki Hartzler (R, Missouri), “you can’t write on a phone”.

One avenue Boehner could take is to convene a Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group – something he did in 2011 when the White House told Congress this whole anti-gay thing is really getting old.

Since there is only a day and a half left before Congress heads out for recess, which is what they’ve been referring to their current term as, the lawsuit is not expected to be filed until next month.  Boehner also plans on getting “super wasted” at his annual Party in the USA and “would need a few days to recover”.

Boehner just so happened to be with the President on Tuesday, along with Vice President Joe Biden, where they took a selfie and filtered it with X-Pro II.  The mood was pretty casual, but Boehner was annoyed with Biden beat him in a chugging contest.

Obama joked: “Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Commissioner Tim Finchem jokingly said that he’s been keeping track of who laughs at the President’s golf jokes.  Boehner, due to recent botox injections, is unable to laugh.

“I caught a glimmer of approval in his eye,” remarked the President on Boehner’s reaction to his recent golf joke.

This is a parody of a recent CNN.com article entitled “Boehner Plans Lawsuit against Obama Over Executive Order”.