The Basic Bitch’s Guide to Basic Bitch Music

Whether it’s a pregame where some basic bitch keeps this song on repeat or the bartender is ready to file a restraining order (might have happened…) because a drunk bitch can’t stop requesting this horrendous, but amazing song, #basicbitchsongs are everywhere.

kris jenner dancing1. Wasted, Tiesto

I know this song is about a drunk hook-up, but I honestly like most people a lot more when I’m wasted.  I’ll hold a conversation, follow you on IG, I’m even sympathetic if you’re pouring the contents of your stomach into a trashcan.  I’m just a nicer and happier person until I hit that 6th drink. Then it’s lights out.

 

Drink to accompany this song: anything from a plastic handle.  The cheaper the better.  Also, a bottle of Advil because that will be the only way to cure the worst hangover of your fucking life.

2. Patron, Tequila, Paradiso Girls featuring Lil’ John

This song is so basic I listened to it at every pregame my freshman and sophomore year of college.  It’s fun. It’s carefree. It’s sloppy.  Who wanna get fucked up? Dis bitch.  It’s also a great learning experience for people dumb enough to think Patron isn’t tequila.

 

Drink to accompany this song: Patron, but since you likely can’t afford that, probably Jose Cuervo.  Anything cheaper and you will regret it for the rest of your life.

3. I Wanna Go Crazy, David Guetta featuring Will.I.Am.

This song just speaks to me on another level.  Where I wanna go ain’t geographical, you can’t google map it, map quest it when I go loco.  Will.I.Am, I’m pretty sure you just became my spirit animal.

 

Drink to accompany this song: Moscow Mule, cause it’s international sounding.

4. Ke$ha

I can’t even think of Ke$ha’s most basic song because all her songs are super basic. And by that I mean all her songs are worth keeping on repeat.  I truly believe that “the party don’t start til I walk in”.  Don’t even pretend you don’t think “hot and dan-ger-ous” as you walk into a bar (you’re at least 4 drinks in at this point).

 

Drink to accompany this song: Goldschlager, so you be covered in glitter on the inside and out.

5. Brand New Bitch, Anjulie

You might not have heard this song before, but it will quickly become a go to, especially if you recently ended things with a dude and you’re “turning up the beat, so sick”. whatever that means.  Also, I think she’s dating Bill Maher, which is super random, but also super cool because that’s where I first heard this song.

 

Drink to accompany this song: shots of Jim Beam (Kentucky bourbon) because you’re going wild for the night.

6. Bass Down Low, Dev featuring The Cataracs

If you wanna get with me there’s somethings you gotta know, I like to drink fast and dance on da floor.  I’m actually a little confused by this song because I have the bass turned all the way up in my car, but I think it’s a DJ thing and I like to pretend I know what all the kids are doing.

 

Drink to accompany this song: 40’s.  You’re basically going to play Edward Scissor Hands with this song because I love the idea of a basic bitch dropping it down low and not being able to get up because they’re 40’s taped to her hands.

 7. (I’ve Just Begun) Having My Fun, Britney Spears

No Basic Bitch playlist should be complete with out a multitude of Britney on it.  Love her or hate her, you still love her.  You may remember this song from “Bridesmaids” when Kristin Wiig gets kicked off the plane and after that little refresher you definitely do. I also love that half the title is in parenthesis cause it’s like have I just begun having my fun? That part is completely up to you.

 

Drink to accompany this song: Pink Panty Dropper.  This is the price of channeling Britney.

8. Call Your Girlfriend, Robyn

This song is so bitchy its betchy. You’re basically admitting that you’re stealing some girl’s boyfriend and you don’t give a fuck as reasoned with “the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again”.  That part might be kind of hard seeing as the love of her life just had a torrid affair and is now leaving her for some girl who doesn’t even feel the slightest bit bad.  Besides my moral conflict, this song is so fun to dance to.

 

Drink to accompany this song: Champagne, because you’re celebrating? Whatever, champagne is always appropriate.

9. Keep It Goin’ Louder, Major Lazer

This song is fun and there was maybe a $10 production value for the music video.  Trust me when I say it’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch.  Actually watch Big Bad Wolf by Duck Sauce, that’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever watch.  This song is so basic, I mean it has lyrics like “six chicks deep” which is not a sexual reference.  It’s actually indicating how many girls are in the car (it’s obviously a SUV).  And “if we’re rolling than it’s straight sexy” which means you look good while you’re driver… I think.  Let’s ignore the lyrics and keep the music loud. Reminder: Major Lazer inspired a Beyonce song.  All hail Queen B.

 

Drink to accompany this song: a water bottle full of Captain Morgan and half a can of Diet coke.

10. Let Me Think About It, Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand

It’s the end of the night, you’ve had your fun and played your games.  That guy you’ve been dancing with all night is like “what’s your number”.  Let me think about it. Then he’s all “come home with me”.  Let me think about it.  And in a desperate attempt to seal the deal he says, “I’m going to buy you some delicious tacos at this taco truck conveniently located outside the bar”.  Marry me?

 

Drink to accompany this song: The promised taco.  Whatever, it’s 2 AM.

11. Big, Sneaky Sound System Remix

This is such a basic bitch loving on her basic bitches song.  First you start out clapping to the beat, and then you’re jumping on the couch and finally it’s 4 AM and you just pass out.

 

Drink to accompany this song: Gatorade or water, whatever you can stomach at this point.

Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @basicbetchproblem

What Willow & Jaden Smith Actually Meant in Their New York Times Interview

Jaden and Willow Smith sat down with the New York Times last week to talk about music, inspiration and being a teenager.  The article itself was a little odd and unclear at times so I went ahead and had them clarify some of their answers.

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 12.19.41 AMQ. What have you been reading?

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

I just saw that movie Interstellar and I was confused about a lot of things.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.

Not by choice.  Those are the only free downloads in iBooks.

Q. What are some of the themes that recur in your work?

JADEN: The P.C.H. being one of them; the melancholiness of the ocean; the melancholiness of everything else.

I live in LA and like most Los Angelians, I spend a lot of time in traffic.  When you write music, you write what you know, and I know when PCH goes down to one lane in Malibu, that is a tragedy.

WILLOW: And the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made.

I really like Pokemon cards.

Q. How do you write? What’s your process?

JADEN: She gets in the booth and just starts singing.

Booth, shower, a glass cage of emotion and starts singing when she thinks no one can hear her.

WILLOW: I mean, the beat is usually what moves me. Or I think of concepts. Then when I hear a beat that is, like, elaborating on that concept, I just go off.

In music the beat is essential, unless you’re singing acapella, then it just matters what your voice sounds like.  I’m trying “The Taylor Swift Method”, you know writing songs based off concepts like break-ups, being yourself or how Willow is like a female version of my dad’s name.

JADEN: She freestyles and finds out what she likes. Same thing with me.

You know when you’re at a bar and some drunk girl is like “I love Salt N Pepper and I’m drunk enough that I’m convinced I’m not that drunk, so I can totally read the lyrics, but I sound horrible”.  It’s like that.

WILLOW: You piece it together. You piece together those little moments of inspiration.

I have a notebook that I keep with me at all times called “Willspiration” it’s like a play on words of Willow and inspiration.  The other day I wrote “truffle lobster mac n cheese”. 

Q. How does fashion relate to what you do?

JADEN: Willow just dropped a song (“Cares”), let me quote the lyrics: “I do not care what people say.” We both don’t really care. I like to wear things that I make, but I throw it on as though I was throwing on anything. It looks cool, sometimes.

I’m just shamelessly plugging Willow’s new CD because that’s is supporting our family right now.  Seriously, we’re broke and we need this.

WILLOW: I like to go to places with my high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras. So I can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” But in my regular life, I put on clothes that I can climb trees in.

I climb trees to hide from my parents…

Q. So what’s next?

JADEN: I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time. And when I say craziest, I mean, like, I want to do like Olympic-level things. I want to be the most durable person on the planet.

If I’m completely honest, I was really unimpressed with men’s figure skating in the Sochi Olympics and I’m looking to compete in 2018.  Instead of that Irish dance guy, I’m gonna break dance on ice.

WILLOW: I think by the time we’re 30 or 20, we’re going to be climbing as many mountains as we can possibly climb.

20, 30 what’s the difference.  I’m only 14 so I don’t have any real issues to worry about.  Also by “climbing mountains” I mean emotionally, not physically.  That seems way too difficult.


Willow’s “3″ is available now on iTunes. Jaden’s “Cool Tapes Vol. 2″ will be available beginning at 12 a.m. with the download of his new app called Jaden Experience.

#basicbetchproblem

I think my jeans say everything by saying nothing #basicbetchproblem

I think my jeans say everything by saying nothing #basicbetchproblem

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The Ex(es) Meth Lady

The Exes, a popular TV Land series that almost no one under the age of 35 has heard of, is show that requires the assistants of the CBS Red Coats.  It was a fateful Wednesday, when I first worked this show and found myself pleasantly surprised.  How can you be disappointed with a cast that stars Newman from Seinfeld.  And remember Murray from Clueless?  If you’re like me, and you didn’t know that he moved on to more serious projects like Scrubs and Robot Chicken, then you will take great pleasure in knowing his career lasted well beyond the 90’s.  Murray, who goes by his birth name Donald Faison, and this wonderful cast, bring in the ideal demographic for TV Land: adorable grandparents, out-of-towners in Tevas and local crackheads.  This is the True Story of a local and potentially drug-addicted woman named Dorothy*, who attended the taping on this fateful night.

*I have no idea what this woman’s real name is.

I imagine Dorothy growing up in rural West Virginia, playing in mud puddles and watching her uncles kill their dinner.  Dorothy loves TV.  She probably wrote a fan letter or two.  Most importantly, Dorothy loves The Exes.  She never told us this outright, but she returns to CBS Studio Center every week for the taping and demands free food and in my 24 years of experience, that is love.

Often a sit-com taping take well over 4 hours, which compared to other productions, isn’t so bad.  The production provides the audience with dinner, usually a turkey sandwich or thinly sliced pizza, so offers more than most jobs.  The audience can only take one item of food per person, as production wants all 200 audience members to have something in their belly.  Since the average weight of the regularly attending audience member is on par with the Titanic, they tend to take well more than their fair share.

Every TV taping with an audience has a warm-up guy to ensure the audience feels entertained during set changes or re-writes.  The warm-up guys usually crack jokes about LA having record low temperatures of 65 degrees or talks about the appeal of Disneyland without kids.  This warm-up guy, his name might be Chuck, but it also might not be, chose to pass out a deck of cards (52 whole cards!) to the most enthusiastic members of the audience.  At the end of the night, he would draw a card from a separate deck and whoever had the matching card won a $10 gift card to In ‘n’ Out.  You would think he was passing out winning lottery tickets the way people began screaming and jumping up and down.  I wondered if all those people jumping was perhaps some sort of safety hazard.

As Chuck passed out the cards, he passed by Dorothy who proceeded to call him a “dick” for no apparent reason.  He responded with “crackhead”.

Dorothy did not like being referred to as a crackhead. And in her defense, I wouldn’t like to be either.

The scene that unraveled was like that scene in “Sex and the City” when the socialite fell out of a window at Carrie’s Vogue editor’s apartment, except Dorothy did not fall out of a window.  Dorothy fell down the stairs as she stormed out of the taping.

Dorothy informed us in the loudest voice possible, which was also during the middle of a take, that she was “not a crackhead” and had “never been so insulted in her life”.

Really?

Someone on production ran over to see what was happening just as Dorothy declared she was suing CBS for “libel” and “slander”.  You know “The Exes” isn’t on CBS, right?

Dorothy was so confident she’d win this “defamation” lawsuit that she promised to clean us dry (not sure what this means) and we would never work again, a promise she also made to herself a long time.

Dorothy stormed out of the sounds stage, unaccompanied by a CBS employee, which is a big no-no. Security stepped in and then the really intense security that can actually secure an area stepped in and banned Dorothy from ever stepping foot on CBS space again.

Chuck drew from his other deck of cards and someone else won the coveted In-n-Out gift card that Dorothy had longed for.

I know this ending seems anti-climatic in the end, but this was a taping of The Exes, not America’s Most Wanted.

#basicbetchproblem

So I shouldn’t try Christian Mingle? #basicbetchproblem

So I shouldn't try christian mingle? #basicbetchproblem

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Tiny Detectives is Almost too Tiny to Function

HBO’s “Tiny Detective” starring miniature ponies actresses Ellen Page and Kate Mara is one of the most innovative and original shows to enter your living room since “Breaking Bad”.  Called “a realistic look into our legal system” and “small idea for a big audience” by the LA Times, the trailer steams away from the the male driven first season of”True Detective” and turns it into hilarity.

Kate Mara & Ellen Page in "Tall Detectives" @funnyordie

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While the plot of this second season is less focused on bad guys, unexpected twists and romance, there will be heightened tension. Get it?

IMG_6479The trailer recently went immortal on Funny or Die, which means it will forever be on the internet long past the days of humans using the internet.

Bib + Tuck

bt-logo1I recently discovered Bib + Tuck after my best / alter ego Babe Walker couldn’t stop gushing about it.  It’s a blog that allows you to sell or buy vintage and designer clothes for 30-60% off its retail price.

Need. Need. Need. Need. Need. Thanks for encouraging my shopping addiction @bibandtuck

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I recently added a few of my own items that, due to  years of neglect in my closet, are looking for new owners.  My Marc Jacobs bracelet made editor’s pick, so needless to say, the people want what I have.

Screen Shot 2014-09-23 at 2.43.35 PM

I’ve also added a Michael Kors top and Nasty Gal skirt.  For those of you who read #GIRLBOSS, this is how Sophia Amoruso founded Nasty Gal.  I would say I’m following in her footsteps.

Essential 😎 @bibandtuck

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The Basic Bitch’s Guide to Properly Using BAE

BaeWhen bae first entered my life, I just assumed it was some Beyonce reference.  What could possibly be more important when saying “bae” than “Bey”?  Then I started seeing people like Kylie Jenner use bae, and then someone at work ironically started calling interns that and before I knew it, I was watching some super skinny chick walk down the street with a #BAE shirt.  Like most internet slang, cough SMH, bae is completely useless and a yet another word slowly destroying the English language.  Honestly, sometimes I’d rather speak a foreign language, like Arabic or Spanish, so I can completely avoid these stupid acronyms.  Just as I began to accept bae for what it was, I realized there was a world full of basic bitches misusing bae.  Being the Dan Rather of the basic bitch community, I created the Basic Bitch’s Guide to properly using bae so we can all move on with our lives.

#basicbetchproblems

The most important thing we all need to take away from this situation is Beyonce can and will only be referred to Queen B or Bey.  Never bae. She’s pissed and asks that we all continue to bow down.

tumblr_myzjm4NVyZ1s5lf2ro1_500Another really important part of the bae trend is to remember that Instagram savy preteens aren’t the only ones who say bae.  Although they make up 98.97% of native bae speakers, there is that 1.03% of general population that uses bae.  The 1% includes cool moms and lazy people.

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 11.42.44 PMJust as I was beginning to differentiate when people said “bae” from when they said “babe”, Pharrell had to pull a fast one and release this lyrically deceiving song and the most basic music video I’ve ever seen.  Was the inspiration my bedroom at 2 AM on a Saturday?  I would say the concept for this was not very BAE.

The more bae was in my life, the more basic being before anyone else seemed.

Sidenote: in case you’re from the planet Mars or above the age of 27, bae means before anyone else and I’m surprised you made it this far without googling it.

Back to bae.  You’ll put me before anyone else?  So if there is a train coming are you going to put me before anyone else like Frank Underwood did to Kate Mara’s character, who should have been named Kate Mara because I’ve never heard anyone refer to her as Zoe Barnes.

imatterMore importantly, I don’t want to be before just anyone.  Anyone sounds lazy and unimportant.  Like anyone can go to Florida.  Anyone can write a blog. Anyone can release a sex tape with Ray J and get a reality show.  There’s nothing special about being just anyone.

giphy

In case you’re still confused, you can use BAE in the following situations

  • if you’ve recently had your wisdom teeth removed and can’t say anything else
  • if you’re basic
  • if you want everyone to hate you
  • if you’re above the age of 40 and in denial about it
  • if you’re not a native English speaker

Here’s my brilliant plan, I’m going to start using BEE, Before Everyone Else.  I’m going to hashtag it in instagrams, get it as a wrist tat and live everyday like I’m Glen Coco.  Later BEEsies.  Ugh, I love it already!

The new #YOLO #basicbetchproblem

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Bow Down BEES!

 

Who Wore It Better: People We Want to Go Away Edition

Who Wore It Better?

bieber-mugshot-400x500 hSXwMcPTX24w3gqUIlV1_Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 11.51.25 AM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan. 23 Justin Bieber is photographed at a Miami Police Station in an orange, cotton frock.  The singer/ narcissistic/ middle school drop-out paired the frock with a pair of white Adidas sneakers.  Bieber was asked to take off his sneakers during a full body pat down, which included a cavity search.  Bieber said he enjoyed his departure from his usual cotton wife beater/baggy jorts combo and was later overheard saying, “orange is the new black!”  Later in the afternoon, Bieber delighted inmates when took to the hallway to give his fiercest catwalk.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PMThe orange frock, found in stores that carry Fruit of the Loom, sold out instantly.  Kate Middleton was rumored to have chucked her phone against a wall when she heard her order would take a minimum of six weeks.

Rick Perry took a different approach by keeping it politician casual as he was photographed on the red white floor of the Austin jailhouse.  Perry decided to ditch his normal “hip-stir” glasses or whatever that term the kids are using these days.  He also gives a less-than revealing smile to show he does not use botox and doesn’t look as creepy as Mitt Romney.  Perry later gave a surprise performance speech to a group of Texans.  While the crowd averaged 45-61 year old men and women, it had the same energy as Ed Sullivan’s studio the night 4 men with bowl cuts made their American debut.

Both chose a make-up free approach and “seem pretty content with their photos”. Perry noted, “I’m just so, so, so grateful I don’t have a double chin”.

Who do YOU think looked better?

15 Quotes Every Basic Betch Needs to Hear

Whenever my friends have a problem in their life, I find sending them random pictures or quotes, usually a combination of the two, really helpful.  They can find comfort and make it their phone background.  I just really love Pinterest and lying in my bed on a Friday night.  So here are 15 quotes every basic bitch needs to hear/ re-pin in order to live her life.  Also remember this is for my #basicbetchproblem girls, so if you’re looking for something more inspiring, go read an encyclopedia.

52ca6698ca858da37836b0c4ed916ed7 Screen Shot 2013-12-16 at 2.25.47 PM

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3f868133859b07a381079448f07345a8d12e22e344a4a472c5a3385518e2a1ad1f6511c186875ee0290f358c3919b71605635d63e63b55a0f8bb48812874597a4e3e9c7b31c14a02dc3e0805fb30b03d28608d9e0b04d4a7dacaaa221f272da38e8b1d8e4c37897f7da24a07c8f34381