When bae first entered my life, I just assumed it was some Beyonce reference. What could possibly be more important when saying “bae” than “Bey”? Then I started seeing people like Kylie Jenner use bae, and then someone at work ironically started calling interns that and before I knew it, I was watching some super skinny chick walk down the street with a #BAE shirt. Like most internet slang, cough SMH, bae is completely useless and a yet another word slowly destroying the English language. Honestly, sometimes I’d rather speak a foreign language, like Arabic or Spanish, so I can completely avoid these stupid acronyms. Just as I began to accept bae for what it was, I realized there was a world full of basic bitches misusing bae. Being the Dan Rather of the basic bitch community, I created the Basic Bitch’s Guide to properly using bae so we can all move on with our lives.
The most important thing we all need to take away from this situation is Beyonce can and will only be referred to Queen B or Bey. Never bae. She’s pissed and asks that we all continue to bow down.
Another really important part of the bae trend is to remember that both ghetto people and white girls aren’t the only ones who say bae. Although they make up 98.97% of native bae speakers, there is that 1.03% of general population that uses bae. The 1% includes cool moms and lazy people.
Just as I was beginning to differentiate when people said “bae” from when they said “babe”, Pharrell had to pull a fast one and release this lyrically deceiving song and the most basic music video I’ve ever seen. Was the inspiration my bedroom at 2 AM on a Saturday? I would say the concept for this was not very BAE.
The more bae was in my life, the more basic being before anyone else seemed.
Sidenote: in case you’re from the planet Mars or above the age of 27, bae means before anyone else and I’m surprised you made it this far without googling it.
Back to bae. You’ll put me before anyone else? So if there is a train coming are you going to put me before anyone else like Frank Underwood did to Kate Mara’s character, who should have been named Kate Mara because I’ve never heard anyone refer to her as Zoe Barnes.
More importantly, I don’t want to be before just anyone. Anyone sounds lazy and unimportant. Like anyone can go to Florida. Anyone can write a blog. Anyone can release a sex tape with Ray J and get a reality show. There’s nothing special about being just anyone.
In case you’re still confused, you can use BAE in the following situations
- if you’ve recently had your wisdom teeth removed and can’t say anything else
- if you’re basic
- if you want everyone to hate you
- if you’re above the age of 40 and in denial about it
- if you’re not a native English speaker
Here’s my brilliant plan, I’m going to start using BEE, Before Everyone Else. I’m going to hashtag it in instagrams, get it as a wrist tat and live everyday like I’m Glen Coco. Later BEEsies. Ugh, I love it already!
Bow Down BEES!