#basicbetchproblem

Wild for the night fuck being polite #basicbetchproblem

Wild for the night fuck being polite #basicbetchproblem

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What Willow & Jaden Smith Actually Meant in Their New York Times Interview

Jaden and Willow Smith sat down with the New York Times last week to talk about music, inspiration and being a teenager.  The article itself was a little odd and unclear at times so I went ahead and had them clarify some of their answers.

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 12.19.41 AMQ. What have you been reading?

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

I just saw that movie Interstellar and I was confused about a lot of things.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.

Not by choice.  Those are the only free downloads in iBooks.

Q. What are some of the themes that recur in your work?

JADEN: The P.C.H. being one of them; the melancholiness of the ocean; the melancholiness of everything else.

I live in LA and like most Los Angelians, I spend a lot of time in traffic.  When you write music, you write what you know, and I know when PCH goes down to one lane in Malibu, that is a tragedy.

WILLOW: And the feeling of being like, this is a fragment of a holographic reality that a higher consciousness made.

I really like Pokemon cards.

Q. How do you write? What’s your process?

JADEN: She gets in the booth and just starts singing.

Booth, shower, a glass cage of emotion and starts singing when she thinks no one can hear her.

WILLOW: I mean, the beat is usually what moves me. Or I think of concepts. Then when I hear a beat that is, like, elaborating on that concept, I just go off.

In music the beat is essential, unless you’re singing acapella, then it just matters what your voice sounds like.  I’m trying “The Taylor Swift Method”, you know writing songs based off concepts like break-ups, being yourself or how Willow is like a female version of my dad’s name.

JADEN: She freestyles and finds out what she likes. Same thing with me.

You know when you’re at a bar and some drunk girl is like “I love Salt N Pepper and I’m drunk enough that I’m convinced I’m not that drunk, so I can totally read the lyrics, but I sound horrible”.  It’s like that.

WILLOW: You piece it together. You piece together those little moments of inspiration.

I have a notebook that I keep with me at all times called “Willspiration” it’s like a play on words of Willow and inspiration.  The other day I wrote “truffle lobster mac n cheese”. 

Q. How does fashion relate to what you do?

JADEN: Willow just dropped a song (“Cares”), let me quote the lyrics: “I do not care what people say.” We both don’t really care. I like to wear things that I make, but I throw it on as though I was throwing on anything. It looks cool, sometimes.

I’m just shamelessly plugging Willow’s new CD because that’s is supporting our family right now.  Seriously, we’re broke and we need this.

WILLOW: I like to go to places with my high-fashion things where there are a lot of cameras. So I can just go there and be like, “Yep, yep, I’m looking so sick.” But in my regular life, I put on clothes that I can climb trees in.

I climb trees to hide from my parents…

Q. So what’s next?

JADEN: I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time. And when I say craziest, I mean, like, I want to do like Olympic-level things. I want to be the most durable person on the planet.

If I’m completely honest, I was really unimpressed with men’s figure skating in the Sochi Olympics and I’m looking to compete in 2018.  Instead of that Irish dance guy, I’m gonna break dance on ice.

WILLOW: I think by the time we’re 30 or 20, we’re going to be climbing as many mountains as we can possibly climb.

20, 30 what’s the difference.  I’m only 14 so I don’t have any real issues to worry about.  Also by “climbing mountains” I mean emotionally, not physically.  That seems way too difficult.


Willow’s “3″ is available now on iTunes. Jaden’s “Cool Tapes Vol. 2″ will be available beginning at 12 a.m. with the download of his new app called Jaden Experience.

#basicbetchproblem

Sugar. Spice. Everything Nice. These were the ingredients used to create the basic bitch. And The Power Puff Girls. #basicbetchproblem

Sugar. Spice. Everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to make the basic bitch… And The Powerpuff Girls #basicbetchproblem

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#basicbetchproblem

I think my jeans say everything by saying nothing #basicbetchproblem

I think my jeans say everything by saying nothing #basicbetchproblem

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The Ex(es) Meth Lady

The Exes, a popular TV Land series that almost no one under the age of 35 has heard of, is show that requires the assistants of the CBS Red Coats.  It was a fateful Wednesday, when I first worked this show and found myself pleasantly surprised.  How can you be disappointed with a cast that stars Newman from Seinfeld.  And remember Murray from Clueless?  If you’re like me, and you didn’t know that he moved on to more serious projects like Scrubs and Robot Chicken, then you will take great pleasure in knowing his career lasted well beyond the 90’s.  Murray, who goes by his birth name Donald Faison, and this wonderful cast, bring in the ideal demographic for TV Land: adorable grandparents, out-of-towners in Tevas and local crackheads.  This is the True Story of a local and potentially drug-addicted woman named Dorothy*, who attended the taping on this fateful night.

*I have no idea what this woman’s real name is.

I imagine Dorothy growing up in rural West Virginia, playing in mud puddles and watching her uncles kill their dinner.  Dorothy loves TV.  She probably wrote a fan letter or two.  Most importantly, Dorothy loves The Exes.  She never told us this outright, but she returns to CBS Studio Center every week for the taping and demands free food and in my 24 years of experience, that is love.

Often a sit-com taping take well over 4 hours, which compared to other productions, isn’t so bad.  The production provides the audience with dinner, usually a turkey sandwich or thinly sliced pizza, so offers more than most jobs.  The audience can only take one item of food per person, as production wants all 200 audience members to have something in their belly.  Since the average weight of the regularly attending audience member is on par with the Titanic, they tend to take well more than their fair share.

Every TV taping with an audience has a warm-up guy to ensure the audience feels entertained during set changes or re-writes.  The warm-up guys usually crack jokes about LA having record low temperatures of 65 degrees or talks about the appeal of Disneyland without kids.  This warm-up guy, his name might be Chuck, but it also might not be, chose to pass out a deck of cards (52 whole cards!) to the most enthusiastic members of the audience.  At the end of the night, he would draw a card from a separate deck and whoever had the matching card won a $10 gift card to In ‘n’ Out.  You would think he was passing out winning lottery tickets the way people began screaming and jumping up and down.  I wondered if all those people jumping was perhaps some sort of safety hazard.

As Chuck passed out the cards, he passed by Dorothy who proceeded to call him a “dick” for no apparent reason.  He responded with “crackhead”.

Dorothy did not like being referred to as a crackhead. And in her defense, I wouldn’t like to be either.

The scene that unraveled was like that scene in “Sex and the City” when the socialite fell out of a window at Carrie’s Vogue editor’s apartment, except Dorothy did not fall out of a window.  Dorothy fell down the stairs as she stormed out of the taping.

Dorothy informed us in the loudest voice possible, which was also during the middle of a take, that she was “not a crackhead” and had “never been so insulted in her life”.

Really?

Someone on production ran over to see what was happening just as Dorothy declared she was suing CBS for “libel” and “slander”.  You know “The Exes” isn’t on CBS, right?

Dorothy was so confident she’d win this “defamation” lawsuit that she promised to clean us dry (not sure what this means) and we would never work again, a promise she also made to herself a long time.

Dorothy stormed out of the sounds stage, unaccompanied by a CBS employee, which is a big no-no. Security stepped in and then the really intense security that can actually secure an area stepped in and banned Dorothy from ever stepping foot on CBS space again.

Chuck drew from his other deck of cards and someone else won the coveted In-n-Out gift card that Dorothy had longed for.

I know this ending seems anti-climatic in the end, but this was a taping of The Exes, not America’s Most Wanted.

#basicbetchproblem

So I shouldn’t try Christian Mingle? #basicbetchproblem

So I shouldn't try christian mingle? #basicbetchproblem

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Tiny Detectives is Almost too Tiny to Function

HBO’s “Tiny Detective” starring miniature ponies actresses Ellen Page and Kate Mara is one of the most innovative and original shows to enter your living room since “Breaking Bad”.  Called “a realistic look into our legal system” and “small idea for a big audience” by the LA Times, the trailer steams away from the the male driven first season of”True Detective” and turns it into hilarity.

Kate Mara & Ellen Page in "Tall Detectives" @funnyordie

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While the plot of this second season is less focused on bad guys, unexpected twists and romance, there will be heightened tension. Get it?

IMG_6479The trailer recently went immortal on Funny or Die, which means it will forever be on the internet long past the days of humans using the internet.

Molly Sims is Perfect and She Recently Shot Fall TV Preview

Molly+Sims+Victoria's+Secret+Model+(1) Last week Funny or Die shot “Fall TV Preview” starring Molly Simms and Dave Holmes.  As a former CBS employee, I can really appreciate a fall line-up featuring Horse Cops: Miami.

Side story, someone accidentally called me Molly on set and I’ve never been so flattered in my life.  I’ll never look like a super model and I’ve only semi accepted it.

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The Basic Bitch’s Guide to Properly Using BAE

BaeWhen bae first entered my life, I just assumed it was some Beyonce reference.  What could possibly be more important when saying “bae” than “Bey”?  Then I started seeing people like Kylie Jenner use bae, and then someone at work ironically started calling interns that and before I knew it, I was watching some super skinny chick walk down the street with a #BAE shirt.  Like most internet slang, cough SMH, bae is completely useless and a yet another word slowly destroying the English language.  Honestly, sometimes I’d rather speak a foreign language, like Arabic or Spanish, so I can completely avoid these stupid acronyms.  Just as I began to accept bae for what it was, I realized there was a world full of basic bitches misusing bae.  Being the Dan Rather of the basic bitch community, I created the Basic Bitch’s Guide to properly using bae so we can all move on with our lives.

#basicbetchproblems

The most important thing we all need to take away from this situation is Beyonce can and will only be referred to Queen B or Bey.  Never bae. She’s pissed and asks that we all continue to bow down.

tumblr_myzjm4NVyZ1s5lf2ro1_500Another really important part of the bae trend is to remember that both ghetto people and white girls aren’t the only ones who say bae.  Although they make up 98.97% of native bae speakers, there is that 1.03% of general population that uses bae.  The 1% includes cool moms and lazy people.

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 11.42.44 PMJust as I was beginning to differentiate when people said “bae” from when they said “babe”, Pharrell had to pull a fast one and release this lyrically deceiving song and the most basic music video I’ve ever seen.  Was the inspiration my bedroom at 2 AM on a Saturday?  I would say the concept for this was not very BAE.

The more bae was in my life, the more basic being before anyone else seemed.

Sidenote: in case you’re from the planet Mars or above the age of 27, bae means before anyone else and I’m surprised you made it this far without googling it.

Back to bae.  You’ll put me before anyone else?  So if there is a train coming are you going to put me before anyone else like Frank Underwood did to Kate Mara’s character, who should have been named Kate Mara because I’ve never heard anyone refer to her as Zoe Barnes.

imatterMore importantly, I don’t want to be before just anyone.  Anyone sounds lazy and unimportant.  Like anyone can go to Florida.  Anyone can write a blog. Anyone can release a sex tape with Ray J and get a reality show.  There’s nothing special about being just anyone.

giphy

In case you’re still confused, you can use BAE in the following situations

  • if you’ve recently had your wisdom teeth removed and can’t say anything else
  • if you’re basic
  • if you want everyone to hate you
  • if you’re above the age of 40 and in denial about it
  • if you’re not a native English speaker

Here’s my brilliant plan, I’m going to start using BEE, Before Everyone Else.  I’m going to hashtag it in instagrams, get it as a wrist tat and live everyday like I’m Glen Coco.  Later BEEsies.  Ugh, I love it already!

The new #YOLO #basicbetchproblem

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Bow Down BEES!

 

SNACKPACOLYPSE

One night, a guy asked me where I was currently working.  Normally, people are excited or intrigued when I respond with Funny or Die, but this guy was so unimpressed he responded with, “so you just make youtube videos all day?”  When I asked him what he did, I tried to act equally unimpressed when he said Med school.  So you just sit around in a white coat and date other doctors?  I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy, I know how these things work.

A few weeks ago Funny or Die shot “Snackpacolypse” starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Tyler Posey (who is awesome) and Michelle Obama as part of her Let’s Move! campaign.  Still unimpressed?  If you are, then there is just no pleasing you.

IMG_6341

Kids ODing on junk food after a food fight. Awesome set, horrible to clean up.

IMG_6514

Clark Duke’s President for President sign.

IMG_6344

Clark Duke promising kids orange soda from the drinking fountain

Check out Snackpacolypse and let me know what you think!