So I shouldn’t try Christian Mingle? #basicbetchproblem
HBO’s “Tiny Detective” starring miniature
ponies actresses Ellen Page and Kate Mara is one of the most innovative and original shows to enter your living room since “Breaking Bad”. Called “a realistic look into our legal system” and “small idea for a big audience” by the LA Times, the trailer steams away from the the male driven first season of”True Detective” and turns it into hilarity.
While the plot of this second season is less focused on bad guys, unexpected twists and romance, there will be heightened tension. Get it?
The trailer recently went immortal on Funny or Die, which means it will forever be on the internet long past the days of humans using the internet.
Side story, someone accidentally called me Molly on set and I’ve never been so flattered in my life. I’ll never look like a super model and I’ve only semi accepted it.
When bae first entered my life, I just assumed it was some Beyonce reference. What could possibly be more important when saying “bae” than “Bey”? Then I started seeing people like Kylie Jenner use bae, and then someone at work ironically started calling interns that and before I knew it, I was watching some super skinny chick walk down the street with a #BAE shirt. Like most internet slang, cough SMH, bae is completely useless and a yet another word slowly destroying the English language. Honestly, sometimes I’d rather speak a foreign language, like Arabic or Spanish, so I can completely avoid these stupid acronyms. Just as I began to accept bae for what it was, I realized there was a world full of basic bitches misusing bae. Being the Dan Rather of the basic bitch community, I created the Basic Bitch’s Guide to properly using bae so we can all move on with our lives.
The most important thing we all need to take away from this situation is Beyonce can and will only be referred to Queen B or Bey. Never bae. She’s pissed and asks that we all continue to bow down.
Another really important part of the bae trend is to remember that both ghetto people and white girls aren’t the only ones who say bae. Although they make up 98.97% of native bae speakers, there is that 1.03% of general population that uses bae. The 1% includes cool moms and lazy people.
Just as I was beginning to differentiate when people said “bae” from when they said “babe”, Pharrell had to pull a fast one and release this lyrically deceiving song and the most basic music video I’ve ever seen. Was the inspiration my bedroom at 2 AM on a Saturday? I would say the concept for this was not very BAE.
The more bae was in my life, the more basic being before anyone else seemed.
Sidenote: in case you’re from the planet Mars or above the age of 27, bae means before anyone else and I’m surprised you made it this far without googling it.
Back to bae. You’ll put me before anyone else? So if there is a train coming are you going to put me before anyone else like Frank Underwood did to Kate Mara’s character, who should have been named Kate Mara because I’ve never heard anyone refer to her as Zoe Barnes.
More importantly, I don’t want to be before just anyone. Anyone sounds lazy and unimportant. Like anyone can go to Florida. Anyone can write a blog. Anyone can release a sex tape with Ray J and get a reality show. There’s nothing special about being just anyone.
In case you’re still confused, you can use BAE in the following situations
- if you’ve recently had your wisdom teeth removed and can’t say anything else
- if you’re basic
- if you want everyone to hate you
- if you’re above the age of 40 and in denial about it
- if you’re not a native English speaker
Here’s my brilliant plan, I’m going to start using BEE, Before Everyone Else. I’m going to hashtag it in instagrams, get it as a wrist tat and live everyday like I’m Glen Coco. Later BEEsies. Ugh, I love it already!
Bow Down BEES!
One night, a guy asked me where I was currently working. Normally, people are excited or intrigued when I respond with Funny or Die, but this guy was so unimpressed he responded with, “so you just make youtube videos all day?” When I asked him what he did, I tried to act equally unimpressed when he said Med school. So you just sit around in a white coat and date other doctors? I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy, I know how these things work.
A few weeks ago Funny or Die shot “Snackpacolypse” starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Tyler Posey (who is awesome) and Michelle Obama as part of her Let’s Move! campaign. Still unimpressed? If you are, then there is just no pleasing you.
Check out Snackpacolypse and let me know what you think!
Who Wore It Better?
Jan. 23 Justin Bieber is photographed at a Miami Police Station in an orange, cotton frock. The singer/ narcissistic/ middle school drop-out paired the frock with a pair of white Adidas sneakers. Bieber was asked to take off his sneakers during a full body pat down, which included a cavity search. Bieber said he enjoyed his departure from his usual cotton wife beater/baggy jorts combo and was later overheard saying, “orange is the new black!” Later in the afternoon, Bieber delighted inmates when took to the hallway to give his fiercest catwalk.
The orange frock, found in stores that carry Fruit of the Loom, sold out instantly. Kate Middleton was rumored to have chucked her phone against a wall when she heard her order would take a minimum of six weeks.
Rick Perry took a different approach by keeping it politician casual as he was photographed on the
red white floor of the Austin jailhouse. Perry decided to ditch his normal “hip-stir” glasses or whatever that term the kids are using these days. He also gives a less-than revealing smile to show he does not use botox and doesn’t look as creepy as Mitt Romney. Perry later gave a surprise performance speech to a group of Texans. While the crowd averaged 45-61 year old men and women, it had the same energy as Ed Sullivan’s studio the night 4 men with bowl cuts made their American debut.
Both chose a make-up free approach and “seem pretty content with their photos”. Perry noted, “I’m just so, so, so grateful I don’t have a double chin”.
Who do YOU think looked better?
It all started when I was trying to take a really cool picture of myself in reflection of the glass on my balcony. It was pretty successful until I noticed my chandelier was in the background where the ocean should have been.
Obviously I #chandelier and upon exploring what that hashtag had to offer, I found so many great covers of the Sia song. God Bless.
She was actually kind of good, but just not here.
I was nervous this girl was going to start screaming a la “Psycho Girl Tries to Sing I Will Always Love You”
C’est la Vie?
I really appreciated Tony’s cover because he accidentally harmonized with his cat in the end.
I’m pretty sure this is the guy from “Botched” who spent $100G trying to look like Justin Bieber.
Is this a guy or a girl?
Chandelier sounds weird on an organ.
Let’s just let the kid from Dance Mom’s do her.
The other night, someone told me about Thrinder, a Tinder like app that sets up threesomes. Besides throwing up in my mouth when she explained how you can meet someone based on similar fetishes, as if feet didn’t freak me out enough, you also have the choice of finding matches as a single person or a couple. Move over Craig’s List Killer, there’s a new app in town.
Going back to a much more PG lifestyle, emember How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds? Well Tinder now has a sexual harassment lawsuit on their hands and I’m not surprised. I’m much more into Hinge these days… JK! Hinge is super boring.
Miss me? My hiatus is unacceptable and hopefully won’t happen again. In case you’re wondering, I’ve been busy working at Funny or Die and I took incredibly beautiful and oddly un-relaxing trip to Hawaii (I was constantly hiking so I barely had time to lie aimlessly on the sand). I also changed my Instagram handle to @basicbitchsguide so that was life changing. Since I missed writing “The Basic Bitch’s Guide to the 4th of July”, I’ll instead recap the first 10 days of the month.
The 4th of July weekend is over. The hangover is beginning to subside and so many iPhone 5 chargers are missing and in my book, this is Amber Alert worthy. Amidst my uncharged phone, there is a plethora of chargers for the iPhone 4 lying around my room. Sand is still coming out of my body like cocaine is going up Lindsay Lohan’s nose. I can’t even fathom how I’m doing work, nevertheless working out. To make up for the work-outs I’m skipping, I bought a ton of LuLu Lemon tops, which my bank account was really thankful for (my thighs were not). Luckily I am here to offer some recovery tips as you piece together the holiday weekend and try to remember what dignity was. So here’s my advice:
1. Drink water.
2. Do this. I don’t know what it’s called, but it feels great and my back cracks every time. It’s yoga heroin.
You are likely to have heard as much about the shark attack in Manhattan Beach as you have about Kimye’s wedding. In case you’re a hipster, there was a shark attack down the street from me on the 5th of July. While I respect the ambition of any person who can get into the ocean for a 2 mile swim at 9 AM the morning after the 4th, I can’t help wondering if one more vodka shot would have kept this man out of the water. So if you are ever taking a dip and notice death himself staring you in the eye, hit him in the nose. Actually just read this, it’s given me a lot of comfort because I don’t have the inner strength of Bethany Hamilton. I am really not the inspirational shark victim the world is looking for.
Happy America month!
Kanye West thought his original comments about Annie Leibovitz were a little harsh, so he went back and clarified in this exclusive interview.
“I’ll tell you a little story about the Kiss photo that my girl put up.
In case you didn’t know, I recently became the third husband of Kim Kardashian, Duchess of Instagram. Obviously, we did it before we got married, and that’s why we’re now married. In case you’re one of the 6,999,984,573,075 people who don’t follow Kim on Instagram, our wedding photo just became the most liked photo on IG ever with over 2.3 million likes. That’s a lot of likes, but it also means that over 12 million of Kim’s followers didn’t “like” it. That’s not loyalty. Kim deserves better.
She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out of the wedding, because I think she was scared of the idea of celebrity.
Annie Leibovitz has been around celebrities for a very long time and for some reason, taking the photo of the best rapper/ humanitarian/ Jesus love alive/ ever, and the Armenian with the least amount of body hair, intimidated her. She’s photographed celebrities before, it should seem normal that I asked her to wear leather jogging pants, to speak only in a French accent and take wedding photos from the ceiling a la Tobey Macguire in Spiderman.
But because Annie pulled out, I was like ‘I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz’s photos’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for four days – because the flowers were off-colour and stuff like that.”
Granted, the first 3 days and 20 hours were spent showing Kim how to turn on her MacBook. Kim also learned the photo starts with a “ph” and not “f”, after we had already spent a good 2 hours looking for Photoshop in the F Section. After we finally figured out Photoshop, we realized it would be way easier to just use X Pro II on IG because it enhanced the flower color and was way easier than this Photoshop thing. We also enhanced the picture using sharpen, because I’m a huge fan of it.