SNACKPACOLYPSE

One night, a guy asked me where I was currently working.  Normally, people are excited or intrigued when I respond with Funny or Die, but this guy was so unimpressed he responded with, “so you just make youtube videos all day?”  When I asked him what he did, I tried to act equally unimpressed when he said Med school.  So you just sit around in a white coat and date other doctors?  I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy, I know how these things work.

A few weeks ago Funny or Die shot “Snackpacolypse” starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Tyler Posey (who is awesome) and Michelle Obama as part of her Let’s Move! campaign.  Still unimpressed?  If you are, then there is just no pleasing you.

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Kids ODing on junk food after a food fight. Awesome set, horrible to clean up.

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Clark Duke’s President for President sign.

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Clark Duke promising kids orange soda from the drinking fountain

Check out Snackpacolypse and let me know what you think!

Who Wore It Better: People We Want to Go Away Edition

Who Wore It Better?

bieber-mugshot-400x500 hSXwMcPTX24w3gqUIlV1_Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 11.51.25 AM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan. 23 Justin Bieber is photographed at a Miami Police Station in an orange, cotton frock.  The singer/ narcissistic/ middle school drop-out paired the frock with a pair of white Adidas sneakers.  Bieber was asked to take off his sneakers during a full body pat down, which included a cavity search.  Bieber said he enjoyed his departure from his usual cotton wife beater/baggy jorts combo and was later overheard saying, “orange is the new black!”  Later in the afternoon, Bieber delighted inmates when took to the hallway to give his fiercest catwalk.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PMThe orange frock, found in stores that carry Fruit of the Loom, sold out instantly.  Kate Middleton was rumored to have chucked her phone against a wall when she heard her order would take a minimum of six weeks.

Rick Perry took a different approach by keeping it politician casual as he was photographed on the red white floor of the Austin jailhouse.  Perry decided to ditch his normal “hip-stir” glasses or whatever that term the kids are using these days.  He also gives a less-than revealing smile to show he does not use botox and doesn’t look as creepy as Mitt Romney.  Perry later gave a surprise performance speech to a group of Texans.  While the crowd averaged 45-61 year old men and women, it had the same energy as Ed Sullivan’s studio the night 4 men with bowl cuts made their American debut.

Both chose a make-up free approach and “seem pretty content with their photos”. Perry noted, “I’m just so, so, so grateful I don’t have a double chin”.

Who do YOU think looked better?

People on Instagram Sing Sia’s “Chandelier”

It all started when I was trying to take a really cool picture of myself in reflection of the glass on my balcony.  It was pretty successful until I noticed my chandelier was in the background where the ocean should have been.

Obviously I #chandelier and upon exploring what that hashtag had to offer, I found so many great covers of the Sia song.  God Bless.

She was actually kind of good, but just not here.

I was nervous this girl was going to start screaming a la “Psycho Girl Tries to Sing I Will Always Love You”

C’est la Vie?

I really appreciated Tony’s cover because he accidentally harmonized with his cat in the end.

I’m pretty sure this is the guy from “Botched” who spent $100G trying to look like Justin Bieber.

Is this a guy or a girl?

Chandelier sounds weird on an organ.

Let’s just let the kid from Dance Mom’s do her.

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds Part II

The other night, someone told me about Thrinder, a Tinder like app that sets up threesomes. Besides throwing up in my mouth when she explained how you can meet someone based on similar fetishes, as if feet didn’t freak me out enough, you also have the choice of finding matches as a single person or a couple.  Move over Craig’s List Killer, there’s a new app in town.

Going back to a much more PG lifestyle, emember How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds? Well Tinder now has a sexual harassment lawsuit on their hands and I’m not surprised.  I’m much more into Hinge these days… JK! Hinge is super boring.

201-How-to-Lose-a-Guy-in-10-Days-quotesGirls get offended easily.

IMG_5423 IMG_5422The Proclaimers

IMG_5421Everyone should be somewhat familiar with the works of Usher Raymond.

IMG_5417 IMG_5420 Breaking Bad

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Stoopid.

IMG_5433And you suck.IMG_5476 IMG_5477 IMG_5479You can try Christian Mingle.

This Basic Betch is Back!

Miss me?  My hiatus is unacceptable and hopefully won’t happen again.  In case you’re wondering, I’ve been busy working at Funny or Die and I took incredibly beautiful and oddly un-relaxing trip to Hawaii (I was constantly hiking so I barely had time to lie aimlessly on the sand). I also changed my Instagram handle to @basicbitchsguide so that was life changing.  Since I missed writing “The Basic Bitch’s Guide to the 4th of July”, I’ll instead recap the first 10 days of the month.

4320b4f35aff0292a8573d1dcbed9452The 4th of July weekend is over.  The hangover is beginning to subside and so many iPhone 5 chargers are missing and in my book, this is Amber Alert worthy.  Amidst my uncharged phone, there is a plethora of chargers for the iPhone 4 lying around my room. Sand is still coming out of my body like cocaine is going up Lindsay Lohan’s nose.  I can’t even fathom how I’m doing work, nevertheless working out.  To make up for the work-outs I’m skipping, I bought a ton of LuLu Lemon tops, which my bank account was really thankful for (my thighs were not).  Luckily I am here to offer some recovery tips as you piece together the holiday weekend  and try to remember what dignity was.  So here’s my advice:

1. Drink water.

2. Do this.  I don’t know what it’s called, but it feels great and my back cracks every time.  It’s yoga heroin.

yoga-twistYou are likely to have heard as much about the shark attack in Manhattan Beach as you have about Kimye’s wedding.  In case you’re a hipster, there was a shark attack down the street from me on the 5th of July.  While I respect the ambition of any person who can get into the ocean for a 2 mile swim at 9 AM the morning after the 4th, I can’t help wondering if one more vodka shot would have kept this man out of the water.  So if you are ever taking a dip and notice death himself staring you in the eye, hit him in the nose. Actually just read this, it’s given me a lot of comfort because I don’t have the inner strength of Bethany Hamilton.  I am really not the inspirational shark victim the world is looking for.

tumblr_lnau10YKVK1qdwnreAnd finally, go watch this Funny or Die video.  Why? Because I’m in it!

Happy America month!

What Kanye West Meant by “Photoshopped for 4 Days”

Kanye West thought his original comments about Annie Leibovitz were a little harsh, so he went back and clarified in this exclusive interview.

“I’ll tell you a little story about the Kiss photo that my girl put up.

In case you didn’t know, I recently became the third husband of Kim Kardashian, Duchess of Instagram.  Obviously, we did it before we got married, and that’s why we’re now married.  In case you’re one of the 6,999,984,573,075 people who don’t follow Kim on Instagram, our wedding photo just became the most liked photo on IG ever with over 2.3 million likes.  That’s a lot of likes, but it also means that over 12 million of Kim’s followers didn’t “like” it.  That’s not loyalty.  Kim deserves better.

She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out of the wedding, because I think she was scared of the idea of celebrity.

Annie Leibovitz has been around celebrities for a very long time and for some reason, taking the photo of the best rapper/ humanitarian/ Jesus love alive/ ever, and the Armenian with the least amount of body hair, intimidated her.  She’s photographed celebrities before, it should seem normal that I asked her to wear leather jogging pants, to speak only in a French accent and take wedding photos from the ceiling a la Tobey Macguire in Spiderman.

But because Annie pulled out, I was like ‘I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz’s photos’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for four days – because the flowers were off-colour and stuff like that.”

Granted, the first 3 days and 20 hours were spent showing Kim how to turn on her MacBook.  Kim also learned the photo starts with a “ph” and not “f”, after we had already spent a good 2 hours looking for Photoshop in the F Section.   After we finally figured out Photoshop, we realized it would be way easier to just use X Pro II on IG because it enhanced the flower color and was way easier than this Photoshop thing.  We also enhanced the picture using sharpen, because I’m a huge fan of it.

-Yeez

Basic Bitch’s Guide to the Stanely Cup

When I first started seeing #GKG on Facebook, I assumed it was some weird Game of Thrones reference.   I usually ignore these types of status because don’t watch Game of Thrones, I watch Gay of Thrones.  So anyway, one day I was accidentally listening to Ryan Secrest on my drive to work and he explained how he didn’t know what the hashtag stood for either.  Hopefully, not knowing what Go Kings Go meant, is the only thing I have in common Ryan Secrest.  So if you’re not an avid hockey fan like myself, here are a few facts about hockey and the Stanley Cup.

1.  Will Ferrell’s 2012 #GKG campaign is currently posted across the street from Madison Square Garden. This is so Mad Men of the Kings.  Somewhere up in TV Heaven, a Don Draper angel is smiling down on the ad exec who thought this up.  Just to clarify, Don Draper hasn’t died on Mad Men, it’s just an imaginary place I like to imagine all TV characters go.

 

2. Hilary Duff and her ex-husband are never, ever, ever, but possibly, getting back together. He’s a hockey player. That’s about all this has to do with the Stanley Cup.

Hilary DuffWe’re in a drought, so this seemed relevant.

3. The rest of the series will play on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If neither team has won 4 games, they series will continue into the week with game 6 on Monday and game 7 Wednesday. I’m sensing a pattern here.

we wear pink4.  Wayne Gretsky is the Michael Jordan of hockey, playing for 20 seasons and appearing in the Stanley Cup 6 times, (one of those appearances while playing for the Kings).  You’ve probably heard the quote “you miss 100% of the shots you never take” at some point in your life.  While Wayne is a hockey legend, you probably know his daughter, Paulina.  She’s Instagram famous, which means she’s a model.

paulina gretsky5.  The Stanley Cup is named after Lord Stanley of Preston, the then Governor General of Canada, and was first awarded in 1893.  They’re 3 different Stanley Cups and the one we all know today weights over 30 pounds.  The winning team is allowed to engrave 52 names onto the Cup and like most sports, winners get Stanley Cup rings.

ring housewives6. And just to clarify, the LA Kings are currently 2 games ahead of the New York Rangers in the Stanely Cup Finals.  Please don’t confuse them with the NBA finals, LeBron James vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

labronI feel like this was a pretty extensive overview for a sport I’m likely going to stop following in another week.  So until next hockey season!

hockey lol

7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

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5 Tips to Avoid Working Out

If being forced into a bathing suit over Memorial Day Weekend doesn’t scream “summer is here” then what does.  I spent most winter eating Trader Joe’s Dunkers and not working out.  If you recall, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to work out once a week.  I’ve average about once every two months.  While contemplating going to yoga or ordering a salad is tempting, it’s much easier to watch Ja’mie Private School Girl re-runs and eat Pad Thai.  It’s nicer to obsess over how hot your bod could look, and then just leave it as a thought. So since it’s summer and everyone is obsessed with looking good, here are 5 ways to avoid working out.

lunapic_137063749494862_21. Take a shower.  I’ve never wanted to workout less than when I’ve just taken a shower.  I love feeling clean and sweat is obvious a huge threat to that.

Tobias-Funke-Crying-in-Shower-Arrested-Development2. Enter a Beyonce Free zone.  Unfollow her on Instagram (I couldn’t) or avoid going on the internet.  If you can avoid Beyonce, you can avoid the self-loathing thought that creeps into your head when you hear “you have as many hours in the day as Beyonce”.  We all have the potential to work out, dress up and be just as fierce as Beyonce, but let’s just let Beyonce do Beyonce.  Plus, we all know Beyonce comes from an alternate universe where there are 100 hours in a day.

jennifer-lawrenc-beyonce-queen-of-the-world3. Eat your emotions.  Put on some Taylor Swift and rehash that high school break-up.  Watch Eat, Prey, Love, her pizza experience will inspire you to find some Domino’s.  Go on Pinterest and see what salad/ cronuts your friends are pinning and then go eat a cupcake.  Just eat.

slide_324525_3096945_free4. Check out your Netflix Insta-que.  If you haven’t started Mad Men, House of Cards or Breaking Bad, then you really need to re-evaluate your life.  Throw on your favorite LuLu’s and a t-shirt and climb into bed.  8 hours later, you won’t regret skipping that workout, but you will face a lot of inner conflict smoking a cigarette.

Screen Shot 2014-05-04 at 5.58.29 PMOk, you’ve almost successfully avoided your workout, but when you really think you should go for just a little run…

5. Drink!  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and what doesn’t take the edge off the stress of not working out like drinking.

bottle.gifBe sure to come back next week when I tell you the 9 best ways to avoid getting that perfectly tone butt!

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