7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

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Flake by Jack Johnson

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I really can’t tell you how much flaky people annoy me.  Why bother to make plans or verbally commit if you know you’re not going to follow through.   Are you good for anything if you can’t keep your own word?  I really want to affirm my anger by italicizing words to insure my point gets across.  In fact, I am so fed up with a certain person that I changed his/her name to Biscuit in my phone because she is flakier than a home-made, butter milk biscuit.

I would love to get into specific stories, but apparently, a lot of people read my blog!  So in the interest of good internet shaming, I’m only going to mention vague flaky-related conversations that annoy me.

  1. Friends from out of town who say they are going to visit.  Stop telling me that you hate your cold winters and will visit Cali, only to not come and to continue to complain about the weather.  You had your chance.  You made your choice.  Cab your ass over to the airport or can it.
  2. Guys who can only communicate via text message.  Listen up, if we can communicate in person ie spend more than 7 minutes conversing with one another, I think you can manage a phone call.  I know things got weird on that last date when I described my beanie baby collection in agonizing detail, but don’t blow up my phone only to flake. I’m all for the “let’s hang out” text.  Thoughtful.  Nice.  Interested.  Until I read “next week”.  Are you so busy that you need to make plans at least a week in advance?  Are we automatically eliminating any free time in the next 7 days?  Is your secretary aware that you’re trying to pencil me in?  Obviously you have some sort of personal assistant if you are so important that you make plans weeks in advance.  Let’s not beat around the bush, you just say so it appears you made effort, but really are just hoping I’ll forget about it.
  3. People who say they will pick me up. I am still waiting.  This is also frustrating because I could have come to you and secondly, where are you?  If it’s inconvenient, just let me know.  I have other things I need to do like walk around my house with no pants.

It’s not that people back out last minute that bothers me, because we’ve all been there.  It’s the feeling that you weren’t important enough for someone to simply level with you that it just wasn’t going to work out.  It only takes 5.2 seconds to write a text, or Heaven forbid, call and say listen I’m sorry or if you’re a decent person ask for a rain check.  Also, it doesn’t rain in southern California so we need to work on that one.  Don’t give me the excuse, my phone died or we didn’t go out because news flash, I have Instagram too.  Maybe don’t suggest we hang out in the first place.  Honestly, you would not be hurting my feelings  and it’s very likely the feeling would be mutual.  Please don’t waste my time and more importantly please don’t get my hopes up.  I spend time getting ready and usually pump myself up for the night.  The real killer, might just be that somewhere, deep down inside, I was a little excited  and now feel disappointment and a little rejection, but just a little bit.

Here’s me having fun without you.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Why Tinder is the Death of Dating

Screen Shot 2013-11-20 at 6.03.53 PMTinder is where dating has gone die a long and painful death.  For those of you who have never used an iPhone, Tinder is an app that uses your Facebook account to connect you with men or women (or both) in your area.  Now, I have a Tinder history dating back almost a year ago when the app first hit the social media market.  It was cool. I connected with a few guys, none of which I met, and after a few weeks of Tindering, I deleted the app.  It was a cool concept, but I had a growing fear of walking into a bar and some guy yelling “Hey… don’t I know you from Tinder” and I couldn’t live with that burden.

Four months later, I was bored, like watched Netflix for the past ten hours bored, so I downloaded Tinder.  2 days, 80 new connections later, I felt extremely flattered.  I was walking hallways like they were the Victoria’s Secret runway. While initially it had been great because most of the guys I “liked” for were “liking” me back, I found most of the conversations to be either creepy or exhausting because apparently everyone on Tinder is a comedian.  The only real conversation I had, was with was my friend’s brother (we already knew each other) and he told me to run.

So a few months later, I began on my third go at Tinder.  I was more mature.  I was wiser and prepared for the ways of Tinder.   Since Tinder was a little more socially acceptable and guys were openly saying that they used the app to “score”,  I entered this round of Tinder with a mission, to teach the male population what they were doing that made this app so f-ing creepy.  So stop swiping and pay attention.

1. Wearing a leotard that outlines the contour of you penis doesn’t make you anymore masculine.

Do you lift?

Do you lift?

2. When on Tinder, read the fine print, that way you’ll avoid How to Catch a Predator.

Really, because your carefree attitude and tongue lead me to believe you were in your late 30’s

Really? Your carefree attitude and tongue led me to believe you were in your 30’s

3. Try not to look like a pedophile, and if you are one, please let me know in advance.

I'm just reiterating the rule

I’m just reiterating…

4. If you’re a total creep, at least practice sun safety.

Is that your wife?

Is that your wife?

5. The fact that you’re even on Tinder means you’re a total jackass.

I take it you're not a cop

I take it you’re not a cop

6. I already had low expectations to the men on Tinder, but the fact that I can see you’re hand taking this selfie as you jam a bottle of “gentleman Jack” up your nose, just really makes me question you’re upbringing.

BTW your hairline is uneven

BTW your hairline is uneven

7. Guys, just to clear the air on this, it doesn’t make you look cool, attractive, bad-ass or really anything other than a huge tool when you make this hand gesture.

Mahalo!

Mahalo!

8. I’m not sure which concerns me more, the fact that the guy pictured with Chuck Liddell, thought he could get girls by using this picture, or the fact that Greg’s (look above the picture, and this is a different guy) salutation is a normal greeting on Tinder.

Who is Chuck Liddell?

Who is Chuck Liddell?

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9. Just a piece of lifelong advice, never, under any circumstance refer to yourself as “Black Jesus”.

I think those shoes date back to Jesus

Did you know you’re Asian?

10. If you have to question whether some moron made a dating profile for his car, much like people make facebooks for their pets, then he is definently someone you do not want to date.

What? So you can drive all over me!

What? So you can drive all over me!