7 Things You Should Not Tell Me Via Facebook

Facebook used to be a place where I could find out where classmates were going to college or where my mom could “see” what I was up to, she of course was on limited profile.  Now it’s a place where people pretending to work post articles like “15 Celebrities Who Dropped of the Earth”, which I read, or a reminder that I’m not engaged.  It sounds stressful doesn’t it?  I usually don’t mind what other people are posting, as I have removed a lot of people from my newsfeed, but every once in a while I stumble on hidden jems.  And by hidden jems I mean status updates that are so ridiculous and often funny, I question this persons upbringing.  Here are 7 things you should not tell me via Facebok.

1. You’re in jail.  I think I’m more shocked that you get wi-fi and get to keep your iPhone in jail than I am over the fact that you are in jail.  Thanks for the update though, I’ll be sure to stay as far away from you as possible in the next 3-5 months.  Also “good behavior”? What a joke, maybe if you knew what that was in the beginning you wouldn’t currently be LOCKED UP.

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 7.58.20 PM2. You’re in rehab.  Again, why do you have internet access, aren’t you in there to kick your drug habit or stop punching walls?  I feel like you shouldn’t go to Facebook to vent about how boring rehab is or let everyone know how well you’re doing.  That’s great that you’ve been addressing your issues for 48 hours, but maybe update me after 30 days.

amywinehouse3. You’re single.  Although I loved reading the 20 paragraph novel detailing the “lies” and “eye opening” details of your previous relationship, I no longer care what a terrible person your ex is.  I understand he’s out of your life by your Facebook status, 300 deleted pictures and your lack of weekly updates on your surprise trip to the pumpkin patch with “honey boo”.

LC4. You got drunk last night.  Unless you’re 13 or my great aunt, I don’t care.  If you were either of the two, I’m a little concerned with your life choices. Come Saturday morning you don’t need to detail your hangover, I get it, you’re fun and living life.  I probably saw you out last night.  So just pop an Advil or two and read a book.  It will be good for you.

realhousewife5. Political rants.  While I enjoy a good political train wreck as much as the next blogger, your rant about Obama and the Affordable Care Act makes you sound slightly less educated than the average West Virginian and don’t get me started on the comments section.  If you don’t agree with something, I have no problem with you posting something on Facebook, just keep it short and sweet.  Also let’s all remember that House of Cards is a fictional show.  Frank Underwood is not a real person and it’s very unlikely any politician could achieve the presidency that way.

west wing6. Stop telling me what you had for lunch.  Corn on the cob and BBQ chicken are almost always delicious.  If they were absolutely disgusting then you should post about it.  Same goes for sports.  I don’t care that you watched the Kings game alone.  I don’t even know who the Kings are.

food7. Last but not least, STOP posting about Game of Thrones.  My Facebook on a Sunday night is an emotional roller coaster of disgust, sadness and shock.  I don’t know who Natalie Dormer’s character is, but I know that the Red and Purple wedding was a very traumatic time for people with HBO subscriptions.

game-of-thrones-mean-girls-gif-2Honestly, I could go on, but I just looked at my own Facebook and realize I do most of this, in fact, I’m posting this from jailhab (jail + rehab aka my bedroom).

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#stressed not #blessed

tumblr_mvd0x3lrmn1qd9va9o1_500I’m insta-stressed.

I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect, not in real life, but on social media.  Take Facebook, is it just me or somewhere in the new Terms & Agreement does it state your profile pic has to be professionally done and  get 60 likes in the first hour (that’s a like per minute).  Does everyone have a friend with a Canon EOS to capture all these magical, candid, care-free moments for you to choose from?  Your photos are incredible, and then there’s me, a blurry picture where I  hammer a pen into a cork because desperate times call for desperate measures.  I love my picture, but I have to stay competitive with my super-fit and super photogenic sorority sisters… and those bitches from high school.  So now I get stressed because not only does my profile picture not seem “care-free” and “jealousy-enducing”, but as a college grad, it needs some semblance of professionalism so my boss doesn’t ask me “what kind of message” I want to send to my co-workers.  Sidenote: I blocked her.  I still need to post everything I’m doing to prove I have the lifestyle of the Jenners girls, the work ethic of Frank Underwood and Bad Girl Riri’s attitude. The icing on the cake is another girl got engaged and I really can’t deal with another 4,000 posts detailing every second of it.  There should be some sort of engagement-ettiquate class so your single friends don’t fantasize about breaking your ring with an ice pick.

happy-birthday-leighton-meester4Then there’s LinkedIn, which in all honesty, does anyone even care about your LinkedIn? I bet I could put “assistant to cat and professional poop thrower” and no one would bat an eye.  It’s all fun and games until I get requests from old acquaints who apparently run Goldman Sachs at 25 and didn’t need 4 google searches to correctly spell “acquaints”.  As I update my LinkedIn, which looks nicer than my actual resume, I add every highlight in my work career.  I’m talking babysitting in the 7th grade, for not just any family of 4, but the Vice President of the United States.  I mean no one is actually going to read this right?  They’re just going to look at the heading, find someone way to re-evaluate their self-worth and then move on.  It’s fine if I “babysat” Joe Biden’s kids, who are actually many years my senior.  What are you, some sort of fact-checking historian?

No you’re not.

I know this from reading your LinkedIn and then googling you to make sure you weren’t lying.  So in addition to adding details like, “worked with the entire cast of How I Met Your Mother“, which really means I saw them once on set, or currently dating Joseph Gordon Levitt, which translates to “held the door open”, I have become a professional bragger.  It is really #stressful to exasperate career highlights like this! I need a #vacation.

beyonce 2Speaking of #vacation, I see that you recently traveled to St. Kitts/ St. Barts/ St. Croix/ any beautiful island with “Saint” in the title, via your Instagram.  I thought the more followers I had, the more likes would come but that has proven to be the opposite. I get like no likes, ok like 15, and then stress out whether or not I should delete the photo because it’s embarrassing.  How stupid is that?! On a serious note, my blog’s instagram whose following consists of spammers and porn stars, gets more likes than most of my photos.   I am stressing out over my “popularity” on social media, which in no way is in direct correlation with my relationships in real life.  Rather, it’s a test to see how well my family, friends and co-workers can operate their smart phones.  Never mind that I’m probably the only person who looks at my own Instagram with any sort of critic, but who knows, I could have hidden enemies out there that thrive on the fact that I got 15 likes and they got 123.  It’s quality not quantity! Right?

Also when did everyone become a model?  I recently discovered you had a professional photographer around you at all times, but seriously, have you always had Kate Upton’s boobs and Britney’s abs circa 2003?  I was not aware that Victoria’s Secret could call you at any second and you’d be runway ready.  When did I become more Lena Dunham and less Brooklyn Decker?  The answer is birth.

kateuptonSo here I am stressing about my Facebook/ LinkedIn/ Instagram when I get a notification that my phone is almost out of memory and I can’t save  this super artsy pic of me next to some Venice graffiti, which would have gotten at least 40 likes.  Stupid iPhone!  I have no memory because I have 6, yes SIX, different Photoshop apps! It’s not just about taking a picture, it’s the ability to turn that picture of a piece of trash on the Venice boardwalk, add a fish eye, sharpen and filter it until it has the bright colors of the tropical island you were just traveling on and becomes something Francesca Eastwood would set on fire.

Annoyed, and trying to figure out how to take the perfect picture, I stumble onto Pintrest which apparently is not the same thing as Tumblr.

tumblr_n3qetrbn551sh7221o2_500Pinterest confuses me the most because it consists of beautiful models, cake and relationships advice.  It’s like how basic can you bitches get?  I already see enough couples making out on the beach in real life so seeing well dressed girls aimlessly walking on streets eating cronuts just annoys me. Attention world, if you are going to make the cronut recipe you saw on Pinterest, you are probably not going to look like the white girls in ridiculously skimpy bikinis next to it.

So now I’m back to Instagram because this super sunset with an Ernest Hemmingway quote might be the photo I’ve been looking for.  UPDATE: it’s not and everyone still looks like a model and averages 100 likes per photo.

Needing a laugh and a lot of wine, I turn to Vine.  Apparently EVERYONE is a professional comedian in addition to being a model, with a ridiculous resume, and a metabolism 4x faster than the normal rate.

HermionieI try to find some solace in Twitter, because I only use that for the news, but nothing is getting Favorited or Retweeted.  Then I realize the only things on my twitter account are retweets of @whitegrlproblems and me being drunk.  Did I mention I’m a basic bitch?

Now I’m back to Facebook to post a photo I not only Photoshopped, picstiched and Instagramed, but also emailed to myself due to the lack of memory on my phone.   My Instagram didn’t get enough likes, I’m not funny, my twitter is unoriginal, my Facebook picture don’t get the like per minute guarenteed in the new Terms & Agreement.  My phone is running out of battery in addition to memory because running all these stupid apps is a complete waste of energy, but, oh wait now I’m up to 30 likes so I am validated.

So forget having a successful career, making lots of money, financial independence, having a boyfriend, eating and exercising, having hobbies, playing sports, talking to people or anything interactive because my life is completely validated through my social media interactions or lack there of.  You can Google me and I come up.  Take that insta-slut!

farewell-cristina-yang-best-one-liners2Let me know if you find a good therapy app because I now lack the communication skills to tell a doctor of my growing anxiety. I can only text ,and honestly, I’m not getting a great wi-fi connection in here so it looks like I’ll be using SMS, which is #totes going to drag this conversation on by a good 10 minutes. Ugh. #FML