#stressed not #blessed

tumblr_mvd0x3lrmn1qd9va9o1_500I’m insta-stressed.

I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect, not in real life, but on social media.  Take Facebook, is it just me or somewhere in the new Terms & Agreement does it state your profile pic has to be professionally done and  get 60 likes in the first hour (that’s a like per minute).  Does everyone have a friend with a Canon EOS to capture all these magical, candid, care-free moments for you to choose from?  Your photos are incredible, and then there’s me, a blurry picture where I  hammer a pen into a cork because desperate times call for desperate measures.  I love my picture, but I have to stay competitive with my super-fit and super photogenic sorority sisters… and those bitches from high school.  So now I get stressed because not only does my profile picture not seem “care-free” and “jealousy-enducing”, but as a college grad, it needs some semblance of professionalism so my boss doesn’t ask me “what kind of message” I want to send to my co-workers.  Sidenote: I blocked her.  I still need to post everything I’m doing to prove I have the lifestyle of the Jenners girls, the work ethic of Frank Underwood and Bad Girl Riri’s attitude. The icing on the cake is another girl got engaged and I really can’t deal with another 4,000 posts detailing every second of it.  There should be some sort of engagement-ettiquate class so your single friends don’t fantasize about breaking your ring with an ice pick.

happy-birthday-leighton-meester4Then there’s LinkedIn, which in all honesty, does anyone even care about your LinkedIn? I bet I could put “assistant to cat and professional poop thrower” and no one would bat an eye.  It’s all fun and games until I get requests from old acquaints who apparently run Goldman Sachs at 25 and didn’t need 4 google searches to correctly spell “acquaints”.  As I update my LinkedIn, which looks nicer than my actual resume, I add every highlight in my work career.  I’m talking babysitting in the 7th grade, for not just any family of 4, but the Vice President of the United States.  I mean no one is actually going to read this right?  They’re just going to look at the heading, find someone way to re-evaluate their self-worth and then move on.  It’s fine if I “babysat” Joe Biden’s kids, who are actually many years my senior.  What are you, some sort of fact-checking historian?

No you’re not.

I know this from reading your LinkedIn and then googling you to make sure you weren’t lying.  So in addition to adding details like, “worked with the entire cast of How I Met Your Mother“, which really means I saw them once on set, or currently dating Joseph Gordon Levitt, which translates to “held the door open”, I have become a professional bragger.  It is really #stressful to exasperate career highlights like this! I need a #vacation.

beyonce 2Speaking of #vacation, I see that you recently traveled to St. Kitts/ St. Barts/ St. Croix/ any beautiful island with “Saint” in the title, via your Instagram.  I thought the more followers I had, the more likes would come but that has proven to be the opposite. I get like no likes, ok like 15, and then stress out whether or not I should delete the photo because it’s embarrassing.  How stupid is that?! On a serious note, my blog’s instagram whose following consists of spammers and porn stars, gets more likes than most of my photos.   I am stressing out over my “popularity” on social media, which in no way is in direct correlation with my relationships in real life.  Rather, it’s a test to see how well my family, friends and co-workers can operate their smart phones.  Never mind that I’m probably the only person who looks at my own Instagram with any sort of critic, but who knows, I could have hidden enemies out there that thrive on the fact that I got 15 likes and they got 123.  It’s quality not quantity! Right?

Also when did everyone become a model?  I recently discovered you had a professional photographer around you at all times, but seriously, have you always had Kate Upton’s boobs and Britney’s abs circa 2003?  I was not aware that Victoria’s Secret could call you at any second and you’d be runway ready.  When did I become more Lena Dunham and less Brooklyn Decker?  The answer is birth.

kateuptonSo here I am stressing about my Facebook/ LinkedIn/ Instagram when I get a notification that my phone is almost out of memory and I can’t save  this super artsy pic of me next to some Venice graffiti, which would have gotten at least 40 likes.  Stupid iPhone!  I have no memory because I have 6, yes SIX, different Photoshop apps! It’s not just about taking a picture, it’s the ability to turn that picture of a piece of trash on the Venice boardwalk, add a fish eye, sharpen and filter it until it has the bright colors of the tropical island you were just traveling on and becomes something Francesca Eastwood would set on fire.

Annoyed, and trying to figure out how to take the perfect picture, I stumble onto Pintrest which apparently is not the same thing as Tumblr.

tumblr_n3qetrbn551sh7221o2_500Pinterest confuses me the most because it consists of beautiful models, cake and relationships advice.  It’s like how basic can you bitches get?  I already see enough couples making out on the beach in real life so seeing well dressed girls aimlessly walking on streets eating cronuts just annoys me. Attention world, if you are going to make the cronut recipe you saw on Pinterest, you are probably not going to look like the white girls in ridiculously skimpy bikinis next to it.

So now I’m back to Instagram because this super sunset with an Ernest Hemmingway quote might be the photo I’ve been looking for.  UPDATE: it’s not and everyone still looks like a model and averages 100 likes per photo.

Needing a laugh and a lot of wine, I turn to Vine.  Apparently EVERYONE is a professional comedian in addition to being a model, with a ridiculous resume, and a metabolism 4x faster than the normal rate.

HermionieI try to find some solace in Twitter, because I only use that for the news, but nothing is getting Favorited or Retweeted.  Then I realize the only things on my twitter account are retweets of @whitegrlproblems and me being drunk.  Did I mention I’m a basic bitch?

Now I’m back to Facebook to post a photo I not only Photoshopped, picstiched and Instagramed, but also emailed to myself due to the lack of memory on my phone.   My Instagram didn’t get enough likes, I’m not funny, my twitter is unoriginal, my Facebook picture don’t get the like per minute guarenteed in the new Terms & Agreement.  My phone is running out of battery in addition to memory because running all these stupid apps is a complete waste of energy, but, oh wait now I’m up to 30 likes so I am validated.

So forget having a successful career, making lots of money, financial independence, having a boyfriend, eating and exercising, having hobbies, playing sports, talking to people or anything interactive because my life is completely validated through my social media interactions or lack there of.  You can Google me and I come up.  Take that insta-slut!

farewell-cristina-yang-best-one-liners2Let me know if you find a good therapy app because I now lack the communication skills to tell a doctor of my growing anxiety. I can only text ,and honestly, I’m not getting a great wi-fi connection in here so it looks like I’ll be using SMS, which is #totes going to drag this conversation on by a good 10 minutes. Ugh. #FML

Flake by Jack Johnson

Screen Shot 2013-10-30 at 3.49.10 PM

I really can’t tell you how much flaky people annoy me.  Why bother to make plans or verbally commit if you know you’re not going to follow through.   Are you good for anything if you can’t keep your own word?  I really want to affirm my anger by italicizing words to insure my point gets across.  In fact, I am so fed up with a certain person that I changed his/her name to Biscuit in my phone because she is flakier than a home-made, butter milk biscuit.

I would love to get into specific stories, but apparently, a lot of people read my blog!  So in the interest of good internet shaming, I’m only going to mention vague flaky-related conversations that annoy me.

  1. Friends from out of town who say they are going to visit.  Stop telling me that you hate your cold winters and will visit Cali, only to not come and to continue to complain about the weather.  You had your chance.  You made your choice.  Cab your ass over to the airport or can it.
  2. Guys who can only communicate via text message.  Listen up, if we can communicate in person ie spend more than 7 minutes conversing with one another, I think you can manage a phone call.  I know things got weird on that last date when I described my beanie baby collection in agonizing detail, but don’t blow up my phone only to flake. I’m all for the “let’s hang out” text.  Thoughtful.  Nice.  Interested.  Until I read “next week”.  Are you so busy that you need to make plans at least a week in advance?  Are we automatically eliminating any free time in the next 7 days?  Is your secretary aware that you’re trying to pencil me in?  Obviously you have some sort of personal assistant if you are so important that you make plans weeks in advance.  Let’s not beat around the bush, you just say so it appears you made effort, but really are just hoping I’ll forget about it.
  3. People who say they will pick me up. I am still waiting.  This is also frustrating because I could have come to you and secondly, where are you?  If it’s inconvenient, just let me know.  I have other things I need to do like walk around my house with no pants.

It’s not that people back out last minute that bothers me, because we’ve all been there.  It’s the feeling that you weren’t important enough for someone to simply level with you that it just wasn’t going to work out.  It only takes 5.2 seconds to write a text, or Heaven forbid, call and say listen I’m sorry or if you’re a decent person ask for a rain check.  Also, it doesn’t rain in southern California so we need to work on that one.  Don’t give me the excuse, my phone died or we didn’t go out because news flash, I have Instagram too.  Maybe don’t suggest we hang out in the first place.  Honestly, you would not be hurting my feelings  and it’s very likely the feeling would be mutual.  Please don’t waste my time and more importantly please don’t get my hopes up.  I spend time getting ready and usually pump myself up for the night.  The real killer, might just be that somewhere, deep down inside, I was a little excited  and now feel disappointment and a little rejection, but just a little bit.

Here’s me having fun without you.

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KIIS Jingle Ball 2013

This comforting to know

This comforting to know

This year’s KIIS Jingle Ball did not disappoint.  You know how obsessive we all get over shows like The OC, Beverly Hills 90210 and Gossip Girl, because we love the high school drama.  Last night’s concert was just that.  Post consuming a bottle of wine with my cousin Monica, because it was more economical than us each ordering a glass or two, we entered the Staples Center.

We were ushered in by the melodic voice of Enrique Inglesias cooing “baby I like it”.  In the past two weeks I’ve watched Enrique lipsync that song “I don’t want to live in a world with out you”, on two shows while working.  In the true nature of the song, I always turn to the person next to me, point at myself and ask me?  I understand Enrique, I wouldn’t want to live in a world without me either.  Enrique was good and a bunch of 40 year-old, overweight moms cried when he sang “Escape”.   Can’t wait for them to upload the blurry footage on YouTube.  I’ll even turn up the volume so I can hear their sniffles.

And then came Selenerz.  I love Selena Gomez.  I think she’s a fun actress, she’s adorable, and as anyone over the age of 20 probably doesn’t notice, she’s getting a lot of recognition for her style.  She’s like Anna Wintour’s new bestie and how cool is that!  Well Selena’s performance was on par with Britney’s “Gimme More” comeback in 2007.  The performance started with some elementary dance moves, moves that I myself mastered in the 1st grade.  After these two songs, which were lipsynced, but not Ashley Simpson SNL lipsynced, Selena yelled “What the fuck!”.

Screen Shot 2013-12-07 at 11.11.07 AMThis wasn’t your average WTF, as if she was confused. This WTF was definitely directed at someone who would shortly be unemployed.  Selena then came on to apologize for the mike not working.  By Mike, she meant the guy she just yelled WTF at.  Sadly for Selenerz, it was too late, we had all heard her and the twitter world was blowing up.  Selena promised us two more songs and kept her promise by singing 1.   “Come and Get It” sounded as great as it did on the radio, and accompanied with some weird Egyptian moves, made it the perfect song to run off stage to.  Girl was gone faster than Usain Bolt running the 100 meter dash. Having tweeted about Selena, I look at my phone to find dozens of retweets and very angry girls who insisted her microphone wasn’t working and it wasn’t her fault.  I swear, some of these fans were one tweet away from making a “Leave Selena Alone” video!  Click here to listen to Selena’s F Bomb.

Trust me they're all terrible people

I am being really hard on Selena, so for the record, I admire her for always acting like a lady.

Macklemore got on stage but at this point I was too busy people watching in the hallway.  I saw a 12 year-old with a Louis Vuitton belt.  I saw a girl dressed in what one would describe as “rave” attire, you know, crop top, shorts so short they were underwear and big fuzzy boots.  PETA activists are still searching for the remains of the 1,400 cats this girl skinned to make those boots. And I saw girls rockin’ the Miley buns, confirming that La Da Doo Da Dee, we dress like Miley, is a trend.  The weirdest moment, was a couple well in their 30’s, sucking face like they were vampires.  We actually started to time it because they wouldn’t stop.  Then they parted ways, forever we like to think.

Justin Beiber, who is apparently going by Austin Mahone these days to avoid legal trouble, performed.  So that happened and I don’t really care.

By this time, we were wandering the halls of the Staples Center, debating whether or not to leave early to avoid traffic.  We decided we’d watch from the nearest section and then leave.  We pulled back the curtain to reveal that we were next to the stage!  Since we didn’t have tickets I had to improvise.  Using my CBS Guest Relations badge, I told an employee I was tweeting for someone.

“Just got sit down,” said my new favorite person.  So we did.  I will also admit we tried to use my CBS badge to get to this cool lounge on the side of the stage, and would have made it had we also had a badge that said All Access…

Look where we wandered off to

Look where we wandered off to… Just in time to capture the blurriest picture of Ariana Grande

By now Ariana Grande, who for the longest time I thought was Mariah Carey, was on stage.  After her first song she made a comment about her Mike, which “wasn’t working” and how we all knew she wasn’t singing to a track.  Diss at Selena? Probably not.  This kids all sip the same kool-aid and every knows the fighting in girl world has to be subtle.  When Ariana- SurprisedYoureNotMariahCarey- Grande was done with her set, the most anticipated moment of the evening and maybe even my 2013 was Miley Cyrus stepping on stage.

caught ya twerking!

Caught ya twerking!

We give Miley a lot of grief, but the girl can sing, and she can perform.  She was everything I expected and more.  She grabbed her back-up dancing midget’s boob.  She twerked her little heart out.  She cried over Liam.  She sang “Party in the USA” (my anthem).  She covered Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” where she also got choked up.  To be honest I have no idea what that song is about.


There is actually a moat made out of Miley’s tears that runs between the stage and the audience

Miley was so good that I am even debating getting tickets for the Bangerz Tour.  I’m also really into her “Summertime Sadness” cover.

More blurry pictures for your viewing pleasure

More blurry pictures for your viewing pleasure

The roof was nearly on fire

The roof was nearly on fire

Who doesn’t love blurry footage of concerts?  My friends certainly don’t!

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DIY – Jewelry Organizaiton

Screen Shot 2013-11-10 at 10.19.39 PMPinterest has been known to give me two things: amazing ideas for DIY crafts, cute outfits and panic attacks.  The later happens quite frequently while pinning.  I realize I’ll never frolic in fields of grass with my sexy cowboy boyfriend.  How do people go on such extravagant trips to the most beautiful, and largely unheard of, places in the world?  And why hasn’t the “7 Steps to a Perfect Abs” given me a perfect abs?!  Countless hours were spent finding the perfect way to organize my jewelry.  I’m not completely satisfied, but here’s what I got so far.

1. Hang up those necklaces!  I realized my jewelry box was where beautiful necklaces went to die.  I bought a shadow box, hung up those necklaces, and when that looked to sparse, pushed in my earrings like tacks and hung up the rings below.  Simple, easy to look at and confused the hell out of guys cause “it was all just like, hanging”.  Well put.


A way to organize your jewels from the ears to the hands.

2. Stack your bracelets on a vase.  This idea popped into my head when I wondered what the heck I was going to do with the vases I made in my ceramics class.  Since humans no longer require hand crafted pots made out of clay in order to survive, it made perfect sense that I didn’t hallow out the inside of my “vases”.   Even though they were useless, I couldn’t part with them, so I turned them into a jewelry display.  They much more interesting to look at and was fun deciding which bracelets complimented each other when stacked.  It makes accessorizing in the morning that much easier.


3. If you’re preppy and you know it clap your hands.  I wouldn’t describe myself as preppiest person in the room, but by California standards, you might as well call me Lilly.  I have tons of Vineyard Vines koozis, Lilly Pulitzer croakies and a few hair bows.  It took me forever to discover a solution that allowed me to display these items in an organized fashion, until I found a wide mouth vase.   Throw in a few decorative rocks at the bottom and arrange a way!


This isn’t practical, but man did it get a lot of re-pins!

When you’re all done, you might have something that looks like this!

d2c44f70d46e11e193761231381b7339_7-1More to come!

More photos can be found at instagram.com/libbstagram

Disclaimer: These photographs cannot be reused or redistributed without the authors permission.

Trivia Newton John

Screen Shot 2013-11-08 at 12.49.34 AMWhat is the name of the fruit in Australia whose branches grow upwards?  Lisbon lemon.  Are we seriously expected to know that?

This man was born in Atlanta, but grew up in Chicago.  Not vague enough? Well the answer is Kanye West.

Identify the TV show based on a blurry black and white picture.  I tried, but I can’t.

Nothing says “I just graduated from college” like Wednesday night trivia.   What is more frustrating than spending $200,000 on an education only to find yourself debating whether an equilateral, geometric shape with all right angles is a square, because maybe it’s a trick question?  I’m still thinking…  In fact, I would actual argue that two hours of trivia at a local pub is equally as stressful as finals week, as emotionally draining as a break-up and eerily reminiscent to the morning after my 21st birthday (how do I get hungover from 2 beers?).   So here’s to you, the high school math teacher that hosts trivia, here’s to many more!

Top 5 Trivia Names:

1. We were meant to Triv for so much more, have we lost ourselves? Based on the song by Switchfoot.

2. Trivia Newton John, not to be confused with her co-star John Trivolta.

3. Love the life you Triv, Triv the life you love – every girl ever.

4. Triv and Let Die, a popular quote about life that Paul McCartney once said.

5. How do I Triv without you?  The answer is unknown.

Let me know if you can think of anymore names, we’re starting to run out.